5 Ways to be a Toddler Mom Super Villain by Melissa Swedoski
Once upon a time, in a bright, shiny happy world – much like the one the My Little Pony folks inhabit – there were beautiful, happy children. They played together nicely, they never back talked their parents, they didn’t throw food on the floor for the hell of it. They were, in a word, dreamy.
But then one day, a dark cloud began to appear. It seemed the children weren’t always the bringers of light and joy they once were. No, they brought something more like fear, frustration, trepidation, aggravation and some other “-ation” words. It was soon discovered what had happened: Super Toddlers had turned adults into Super Villains!
1) Nighttime Nightmare – the evil force that makes children go to bed. Also known as “I’m No Fun!” and “Yes, You Must!” During the daylight hours goes by “You Do Need a Nap!” No matter how much fun children are having, the Nighttime Nightmare sneaks into the room, never foreseen or remembered, and sucks out all the joy by making children stop playing with every. single. toy. in the room, and telling them to get into their pj’s for night-night time. Children never fail to be amazed at the appearance of this Super Villain, which makes her doubly dangerous.
2) Candy Killer – this venomous wretch only allows children to eat 2 pieces of candy each day, and only one of them can be chocolate. Her powers are made doubly evil by the fact that she can force a child to eat vegetables at dinner and threaten to withhold candy for the rest of the week! Candy Killer‘s one weakness is that she, too, loves candy, and she has been caught eating mini Hershey’s bars on more than one occasion by the children she monitors. Luckily, her powers include the ability of plausible deniability, allowing her to worm her way out of jail every time.
3) Cleanup Killjoy – Perhaps one of the most reviled Super Villains known to children, this walking antidote to good times can bring even the rockingest party to a screeching halt with just three words: “Clean this up!” Upon hearing these words, children’s limbs suddenly weigh twice their body weight, as their feet become like concrete blocks, unable to move across the room or even pick up the tiniest LEGO piece and put it back in the box. Cleanup Killjoy is at her most evil when someone has marked on the tile floor with crayons. Her rage can blow children right out of the room!
4) Bathtime Beast – One of the most elusive of the Super Villains, because he can make bath time fantastic for several minutes, then suddenly turn it into a horror freak show when forcing children to wash their hair! Though no one has recorded it on video, Bathtime Beast has been blamed for using too much shampoo, using too little soap, making the water too hot, making the water too cold, taking away bath toys that doubled as weapons, and forgetting the favorite Winnie-the-Pooh hooded towel. Bathtime Beast disappears quickly once children are out of the tub, making him so very hard to catch.
5) Dinnertime Dr. of Doom – Perhaps the best known of the Super Villain clan, as he can appear in public or in the privacy of your home. He does not tolerate cries of, “But I don’t like iiiiitttt!” and is quick to swoop in with fork and spoon of his own. Although Dinnertime Dr. of Doom isn’t above singing silly songs during dinner to keep kids eating, he won’t tolerate musical chairs when eating at a restaurant and will make sure the booster seat’s safety belt is well-secured. The Dr.‘s one weakness is alfredo sauce, and he can be easily distracted by it.
Got any super villains lurking around your house? Or are you still in training?