A Bloomin’ Mom Shares: I showered…I feel like I need to be ready! By Nicola Reilly, A Later Mom
My husband and I got married in 2006 with the intention of having children right away. But 8 months later I still wasn’t pregnant so I decided that at the grand old age of 32 that I was running out of time. I contacted a local fertility clinic and immediately started to ask myself…”Why?” Why did I have to go through this? It didn’t seem fair. 32 wasn’t too old? Was it?
We began IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination). It was a regimented schedule and each month I prayed…”Please God, let it work.” Subconsciously though I had decided I wasn’t worthy enough. Why would I be given the gift of motherhood? I was nothing special.
Four disappointing rounds of IUI later, I still wasn’t pregnant, and I had become accustomed to expect the dreaded call: “Sorry Mrs. Reilly…”
I’ve never cried, prayed or cursed so much. The medication was making me crazy, and I had lost hope.
However, I plodded along and one week after my fifth Insemination I woke up one morning feeling nauseous. Could I be pregnant? No, I couldn’t allow myself to be disappointed again. I tried to ignore this feeling, but I couldn’t, and took a pregnancy test. It was positive! I knew it! I could feel it. I wasn’t broken.
My first ultrasound went like this… “Well, there’s one, and, oh my, you’re having twins” I had waited so long for a baby – now TWO! I couldn’t begin to describe the joy. I wasn’t scared. I didn’t wonder how we would manage financially. I was just ecstatic.
Weeks 3 to 18, I was so nauseous, and miserable. I felt guilty for not being happier.
At 35.5 weeks I developed Preeclampsia, so I wasn’t surprised when at my check up on Monday February 4th, 2008, sporting a beautiful, huge, stretch-marked belly, my doctor said, “Go get your suitcase.”
I tried to argue, “I can’t. I have an ultrasound appointment.”
“We’ll have these babies by 6.30pm tonight,” was the response.
Surely she meant 6.30pm tomorrow? I wasn’t ready.
At home my husband had disappeared. When I asked him what he was doing, his answer was so ridiculous I had to laugh. He’d showered because he felt like he needed to be ready! Ready for what? He wasn’t the one about to give birth!
Dressed in a paper gown and shower cap, I felt the pressure as my belly was cut open. I commented to the young nurse who was so lovingly crouched next to me, that her shirt smelled good. She must have thought I was crazy talking about laundry detergent at a time like that. Then I heard my son’s cries, the most beautiful sound ever. Two minutes later I heard my daughter’s sweet little voice. As my babies were whisked away, the nurse took my husband to see them. Ad he turned to leave, curiosity got the better of him and he looked back to see what my doctor was doing. Whatever he saw drained all the color from his face. That’ll teach him to be nosey!
And as I cradled my babies the next day, I couldn’t control my tears as I noticed our reflection in the window: me, holding MY babies.
When it was time to go home – one pink hat and one blue hat – just their tiny heads showing on that cold February afternoon, their soft little faces wet from my tears of joy. They were mine and I was theirs. I was worthy.
It took 3 years to have my babies. My Annabel and Michael are five now. They’re beautiful, healthy children, and my life is complete. They’re my angels. I love them more than I ever thought possible to love two people, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat! (Even on the tough days!)
Nicola Reilly became a first time mom at age 35. Originally from Manchester, England she now lives in West Orange, New Jersey with her husband, two precious children, and her beloved cats.