At A Loss for Words
Recently one of my clients confided in me that she and her husband are trying to have a baby and are suffering from infertility. She just finished yet another attempt at IVF that didn’t even yield a single egg worthy of extraction. She is 38 years old. She told me she confided in me because she thought I was an inspiration given all that we went through to get Joey and Lyra.
Problem is, I feel like I can offer no inspiration whatsoever. I refuse to give advice to people on this subject, and I refuse to fall prey to all of the cliches.
I refuse to say “Don’t give up,” because I gave up.
I refuse to say “Just keep on trying,” because I stopped trying. And continuing to try in the face of such monumental odds is devastating to a woman’s self-esteem, pocket book and sanity.
I refuse to say “Just relax and it will happen,” because that is positively the most un-relaxing comment ever and it used to drive me crazy when people would say that to me. And besides, it doesn’t work.
I refuse to say “Adopt and then you’ll get pregnant,” because despite a few “I know someone” stories and Charlotte’s miraculous conception in Sex and the City, this does not happen nearly as often as people think. You never hear about the thousands of parents who do adopt and don’t get pregnant.
And I refuse to say, “oh a donor egg / adopted baby / adopted embryo will feel just like your baby,” because I didn’t believe this when I was going through my infertility and adoption issues. (I believe it now, but when you are in the throes of infertility, this is not a great comfort.)
The only thing I can say for sure is that the right baby finds you at the right time. But somehow I feel this is less than adequate. Have any of you been through this with friends? When you’ve finally crossed over the great divide from want-to-be parent to an actual parent and you’ve still got friends on the other side? And what do you say?