Decisions and the road into the unknown…by Meng Fong
Because you never really know what is on the other side. And they don’t really come with a built-in safety net.
There have been times, before making a decision, when I have felt like I am pushing myself off a cliff. Usually it’s one where I can’t see the bottom.
And then there are those times where I feel like I am plunging off road. Usually into unknown territory
But we still push on. Why?
I am sure of one thing, if a decision is needed to be made, it’s because you are trying to leave something. Could be a romantic relationship (my favorite kind of discussion and least favorite type of decision), or other life situations – work, family, kids.
Last week, I pondered on the pros and cons that led to the decision to be a single mother. And noticed sadly but unsurprisingly how the numbers for this family type are growing. Thinking literally and maybe mathematically – does it mean a single mom makes twice as many decisions on her own compared to a mother in a dual-parent family?
Maybe that’s why, after more than 12 years of being The Kid’s Mom – I noticed that it had become easier for me to make tough decisions. Not only that, but I seem to agonize a lot less after I make the decisions.
I reckon that it is a combination of: having more life experience + older mom + being a hormonal imbalance menopausing woman + many life induced unexpected twists and turns – that has made me set clearer priorities. Having had many bouts of introspection, I know for a fact that I do draw my lines in the sand very clearly.
I’ve found that this works best for me when it comes to being in a relationship – again favorite topic – least favorite decision points.
For example, I find it very hard to be thinking of dating or going out with more than one guy at any one time.
When I became single, my friends asked me to just go out and date, and be available to many men. You know, I found that I could only date one guy at any one time. My modus operandi would be to go out with one guy, and if there wasn’t a spark there, I just wouldn’t see them anymore and I would move on to the next guy. It sounds stark and maybe a bit austere in this day and age but I found I could only give so much attention to one guy at any one time.
My schtick is that I want to be able to enjoy myself when I am out with someone and not be thinking of the next guy I am going to go out with. Or even give them false hopes that there would be something on the other side. Come to think of it – that is sounding austere. Because how can you possibly tell after 1 date. Hey, I am not saying the system is perfect. God knows, I had fallen head over heels after the wrong guy many times using this system. But I did meet someone great and did have a great relationship – at least for the last 5 years or so. But then that’s another story.
Anyhoo – back to making scary decisions – I have a couple of tools I use. No they do not include a pitch-fork. But here’s one I recently used on a close friend who was having a hard time deciding on which relationship to pursue. He was stuck between the advances of an old flame and fixing his problems with his wife. Sounds familiar – it happens a lot it seems.
He said that it was going to hurt him a lot to tell his old flame that he could not see her anymore. I said “Isn’t it better to feel hurt now? Because you are sure to get over it. Rather than later hurt your kids and your wife?”. He was silent for a couple days after that. But I think he got the picture. I did meet up with him a little while ago, and he looked like he felt a lot better about himself. He’s still having ups and downs with his wife – all couples have this – but at least there is a chance now to work on his marriage because he did the adult thing – he left the other relationship.
Drawing the lines…it works for me.
What tools have you used to make your toughest decisions?
I’d love to hear more about them.
Happy Week Ahead!