FEAR: It Stops Me In My Path By Lori Loesch
Fear is an emotion, an unpleasant one, caused by the belief that someone/thing, is dangerous. Fear causes pain and a change in the brain and organs.
That is a powerful description. Fear can stop me in my path of getting things accomplished. Fear has kept me from who I truly am. I was always afraid. Afraid of, mostly making a mistake, and the fear of not pleasing those that be. It has taken me all these years to LEARN, another way. A way to live and not be afraid. I felt, growing up that, I was always being critiqued by everyone around me. From small things, like, “you missed a belt loop”, to “You should not have said that!” Comments like those, all day long, really kept me down. Which is right where ‘they’ wanted me to be. ‘They’, were, the powers that be. The powers that ruled my life.
I guess I felt like a piece of cardboard, going through my childhood and high school, and pretty much until, I met my husband. He got me away from ‘them’. Thank God. I was along; but no one noticed me, or payed attention to me. Not the good people, anyway. The bad, cruel, the ugly, the torture souls, noticed me. People I should have been able to trust. They took full advantage of me. I did what I was told to do. Never questioned. That could get me a slap, or paddling on my behind.
So there it is, fear was born in me and I worked hard at making it not a factor in my life. Today I do what makes me look or feel good. If my clothes don’t match, oh well, it’s not the end of my day. I have a new way of looking at those that condemn others. I try to think of a better thing to say. Lets think of a better word. Most days the positive wins over and I truly feel at one with my soul. I guess you can say that I know who I am. I have an identity. Finally. I felt like a chameleon, always changing depending on who I was around. Agreeing and never saying what I really thought.
It’s funny, that when I started to speak my thoughts out loud, I found that I had more friends. The fear of disagreeing with others was not making me friends. No one really wants a yes, friend. My children have helped me in ways I can’t put into words. Children speak the truth, not meaning to hurt feelings.
People have fear of all kinds of things, snakes, heights, but my fear wasn’t an object that I could see. It was fear that was unseen, but it stopped me in my tracks. I hope that because of my past, my children will benefit from what I have learned. Being abused as a child has shaped me into who I am today.
Reaching that place, that peaceful, one with the universe place. Where there’s an understanding of everyone. An acceptance, is where I’m heading. It helps me through life’s hardships. I understand that it was my destiny to be born, and suffer, and heal, to perhaps teach other’s. I want to do it in a big way, but I’ll keep doing it in my little life, planting seeds of love, patience, acceptance, long suffering, peace… the fruits of the Holy Spirit.
I don’t blame my mother, I don’t even blame my adopted dad, he was one of those tortured souls that I mentioned in the beginning of this blog. The entire family was caught up in ‘it’: Disfunction. It started a long time ago, but it ends with me, ’cause that’s my destiny! If I must place blame, then it’s God’s will, the buck stops with Him and I’m ok with that. I feel blessed. God loves me and I know and love and serve Him. As a little girl, of five or six, I remember standing on the porch of the house we rented. The rough, paint peeled boards that made up the floor of the porch, where the air conditioner stuck out of the window, I remember standing there, in my little dress, and before I opened the door, to go in, I asked God to come into my heart. Even as a little child, God was clearly a big deal in my life. I don’t remember what happened after I opened that door, but for some reason I felt the need to talk to God.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. I can really say that I have finally reached that point. I have never understood how that could be. I do now. I fear no evil, seen or unseen. It is all God’s will. And, I’m ok with that.