Jumping Back Into My Life by Maureen Eich VanWalleghan
Traveling always feels as if I have changed lives. During a trip everything is suspended. One’s routines are gone. Comfort foods are missing. Clothes are limited. Generally nothing is where it should be. No matter how fun or difficult the trip, coming home is like swimming under water. I can see my life, but everything is wiggly.
So what to write about…I am still processing this trip to visit my very ill father and seeing his life coming to a close, though when that will happen I am not sure. It was also a trip of reconnecting with friends from middle school and high school. Facebook has really become a gift of connection with people I cared about from years ago, but had lost track of and had often wondered how their lives had turned out.
If there was a theme present in the imaginary roadsigns I might have passed it would have had the tagline: “Welcome to midlife, there’s no turning back.” I know I am obsessing with age at the moment, but I am beginning to understand why an individual might have a midlife crisis. Why the sportscar or Botox or new lover suddenly seem so urgent. Nothing about my life has the urgency, the adrenaline of years past. Everything had drama then: where would I live, would I find a husband, would I become a mother, would my career be has I dreamed. So much wondering, questioning and questing. Now these questions have been answered and not necessarily as I imagined. My vision of my life is lacking in many regards and in other ways is more than I could have imagined. And the part that feels lacking has much to do with a lack of passion.
I feel tired. It is hard to generate passion from tiredness. So maybe it’s recovering from the trip or realizing that the structure of my family is changing. Or maybe it’s that midlife moment of revaluation.
Or maybe it’s just that end of summer transition when the sand gets brushed off the porch, the bathing suits are put away and school clothes and supplies are bought. Not sure, but maybe an iced decaf grande mocha with soy milk could help. I am sure Starbucks would like me to think that. Can coffee solve everything on a lazy Saturday morning? I am going to find out.