Making the Right Choices—by Jamie Levine
Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I’m not sure; but it sure hurts to do the former. Even if I’m the one who’s walking away.
Those of you who have been following my blog know all about my romance with Library Guy—how he found me when I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and showed me all the important things I’d been missing in my content-as-a-single-mom life. He showed me romance; he showed me intimacy; he helped me break down the walls I’d built up around my heart. But I’ve been giving him too much credit: I was a big part of all of those positive changes, and I gave back as good as I got—sometimes even better. I also made the choice to fall in love with him. We can thank men for some things, and blame them for others, but in the end, it all comes down to the choices we make, ourselves. And it’s time I admitted that I’ve chosen to settle for less than I deserve from Library Guy for quite some time.
It would be easy to bash Library Guy—to call him selfish, or a coward, or passive-aggressive, as he often acts these days. That would be easier than just feeling heartbroken, like I do, over the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about me the way I care about him. It would also be easy to excuse his behavior by saying “he’s a guy,” or “he’s a mess from his last relationship,” but there’s really no excuse for not treating me the way I deserve to be treated. And more importantly, nothing excuses my decision to put up with it…taking too much bad with the good…and hoping things will get back to the way they used to be. Unfortunately, I love the guy—but I love myself more. Much more.
And so, I’m choosing the more difficult route and am trying to let go: I’m going to cry a little, lean on my friends a lot, and keep telling myself how great I am and how worthy I am of a better, unconditional love. People tell me that relationships are a lot of work—but they also say “when it’s right, it’s easy.” I just hope I can find a man who wants to do the work—and make it easier on me next time.