Sufficiently Whelmed: A Journey with Infertility – By Beckie Dyck, Blogger, Beckie’s Infertility Journey
Infertility has taught me a lot about life in the last few years. There hasn’t been a day that has passed that I haven’t thought about how infertility has impacted my decisions and who I have become as a person. Obviously infertility isn’t the only thing that defines me as a person, but it has been a large part of my life for the last five years.
From the moment I wake up to when I go to bed at night it is on my mind. I sit and think of ways to make the time go faster or how we could change things to make our treatments more successful. I go from one idea to the next: egg donor, sperm donor, adoption, surrogacy, and the list goes on! At this point I just want to be a mom – that is it. If I am holding a child, I will consider this mission complete.
After our recent failed in vitro fertilization in Las Vegas, all I wanted more than anything was to know what to do. What were the most logical steps to take next? The big elephant in the room since we have gotten back has been talking about when to stop treatments – an unthinkable conversation. Whenever we have talked about this in the past, no decision short of “we will keep going until we have a baby” feels right. Emotions run high and it usually ends in tears. I really can’t imagine ever feeling good about letting go of this dream.
One lesson I have learned over and over is that life is uncertain, at times cruel, and guarantees you nothing. This has propelled me to find the positive in any situation (I swear, there is always something). I try to recognize all of the good things around me, despite how angry and confused I often feel.
I have come to a place where I just am. I think a lot about infertility but it doesn’t affect me the way it used to. Don’t get me wrong. I have bad days but it isn’t the huge emotional swing that it once was. It made me think back to a line in the movie, 10 Things I Hate About You: “I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?”
I suppose currently I am just whelmed, stuck in the middle. Sometimes I think I should feel more sad or angry. Sometimes I wish I was able to get worked up when someone makes a stupid comment, so that I can come back with the best line ever! In the end, it just doesn’t happen. It isn’t that I don’t care, but I think I have moved into a state of acceptance.
Infertility is all about learning to deal with things we cannot control, which for me has been the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn. Since I was little, if I wanted something, I found some way to get it. I have tried to apply my tenacity to this situation; however, it just doesn’t work like that. A baby is not a commodity to work toward; it is a precious gift. A gift you cannot buy or earn. It either happens or it doesn’t. It’s as simple as that.
More than anything I want my dream to become a reality for every person out there struggling with infertility. Infertility is never going to make sense to me. It has changed me forever.
Tonight I am thinking of everyone who had to go to bed thinking about the “what ifs” of tomorrow! I hold onto the hope that someday this will all make sense.
Beckie Dyck unwillingly joined the infertility club five years after learning that she has PCOS and her husband has male factor issues, with the couple most recently being diagnosed with immune issues (DQ Alpha Match and High NK Cells), likely the reason for their lack of success. In her blog, Beckie’s Infertility Journey, she attempts to recognize all of the good things around her, despite how angry and confused she often feels. She writes with honesty about her feelings and how infertility has affected her life. Beckie and her husband, Kevin, live in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They are currently undergoing treatment for their next IVF cycle. She can be reached via email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
This article was reprinted with permission.
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