The Road Ahead—by Jamie Levine
It’s been a pretty eventful week for me. On the positive side, I was accepted to two graduate schools—one of which was my top choice. It’s been cause for major celebration—as well as contemplation. The school I’ll be attending boasts a “Sunday Program,” which means that for the next two years, all of my Sundays will be spent in a classroom for the entire day. As a single mother, this is a childcare nightmare, but I’m staying positive, and am determined to make it work. Because in my heart, I know this is the best long-term situation for both me and Jayda, since the other Speech-Language Pathology programs entail attending evening classes, and I can’t imagine not being home several nights a week to have dinner with Jayda or to put her to bed after not seeing her all day. I think one convoluted Sunday is a reasonable trade-off for six stable days of mother-daughter interaction.
The rest of my week was rife with other emotions—surrounding my relationship with Library Guy, of course. The happiness and strong sense of security I’d garnered after spending a wonderful weekend with him was marred in the middle of the week by my first interaction with his ex. While the experience itself was brief and rather uneventful for me, the repercussions were significant. Library Guy and his ex harbor extreme hostility towards each other, and in addition to being manipulative and controlling, his ex is also rather unstable. In short, she didn’t know about my existence—and went into an uncontrollable rage after meeting me, sending Library Guy’s life into a tailspin.
I don’t want to delve into the details of Library Guy’s past relationship—or the issues he still has surrounding it—but I will say that this whole incident has spurred a few problems between us. Most especially, it’s shown me how quickly my sense of intimacy with Library Guy can turn into feelings of disconnection, and how impossible that is for me to handle. And it’s made me think a lot about what I want from a relationship—and what I need in my life. I need some consistency. Bumps in the road are certainly acceptable, but huge hills and valleys are not.
When I look ahead to everything that’s looming before me, my future does feel a bit unstable. And I need to add as much stability to it as I can—especially when it comes to a relationship. And sometimes I get uncertain about this one. But because the positives outweigh the negatives—both with my grad school program and my current love life—I’m willing to do some work to make things work. I’m strong, I’m determined, and I truly believe that everything will turn out the way that it should. It’s all a matter of time.