Decisions and the road into the unknown…by Meng Fong

Decisions can be scary.

Why?

Because you never really know what is on the other side. And they don’t really come with a built-in safety net.

There have been times, before making a decision, when I have felt like I am pushing myself off a cliff. Usually it’s one where I can’t see the bottom.

And then there are those times where I feel like I am plunging off road. Usually into unknown territory

But we still push on. Why?

I am sure of one thing, if a decision is needed to be made, it’s because you are trying to leave something. Could be a romantic relationship (my favorite kind of discussion and least favorite type of decision), or other life situations – work, family, kids.

Last week, I pondered on the pros and cons that led to the decision to be a single mother. And noticed sadly but unsurprisingly how the numbers for this family type are growing. Thinking literally and maybe mathematically – does it mean a single mom makes twice as many decisions on her own compared to a mother in a dual-parent family?

Maybe that’s why, after more than 12 years of being The Kid’s Mom – I noticed that it had become easier for me to make tough decisions. Not only that, but I seem to agonize a lot less after I make the decisions.

I reckon that it is a combination of: having more life experience + older mom + being a hormonal imbalance menopausing woman + many life induced unexpected twists and turns – that has made me set clearer priorities. Having had many bouts of introspection, I know for a fact that I do draw my lines in the sand very clearly.

I’ve found that this works best for me when it comes to being in a relationship – again favorite topic – least favorite decision points.

For example, I find it very hard to be thinking of dating or going out with more than one guy at any one time.
When I became single, my friends asked me to just go out and date, and be available to many men. You know, I found that I could only date one guy at any one time. My modus operandi would be to go out with one guy, and if there wasn’t a spark there, I just wouldn’t see them anymore and I would move on to the next guy. It sounds stark and maybe a bit austere in this day and age but I found I could only give so much attention to one guy at any one time.

My schtick is that I want to be able to enjoy myself when I am out with someone and not be thinking of the next guy I am going to go out with. Or even give them false hopes that there would be something on the other side. Come to think of it – that is sounding austere. Because how can you possibly tell after 1 date. Hey, I am not saying the system is perfect. God knows, I had fallen head over heels after the wrong guy many times using this system. But I did meet someone great and did have a great relationship – at least for the last 5 years or so. But then that’s another story.

Anyhoo – back to making scary decisions – I have a couple of tools I use. No they do not include a pitch-fork. But here’s one I recently used on a close friend who was having a hard time deciding on which relationship to pursue. He was stuck between the advances of an old flame and fixing his problems with his wife. Sounds familiar – it happens a lot it seems.

He said that it was going to hurt him a lot to tell his old flame that he could not see her anymore. I said “Isn’t it better to feel hurt now? Because you are sure to get over it. Rather than later hurt your kids and your wife?”. He was silent for a couple days after that. But I think he got the picture. I did meet up with him a little while ago, and he looked like he felt a lot better about himself. He’s still having ups and downs with his wife – all couples have this – but at least there is a chance now to work on his marriage because he did the adult thing – he left the other relationship.

Drawing the lines…it works for me.

What tools have you used to make your toughest decisions?
I’d love to hear more about them.

Happy Week Ahead!