School Daze, Remnants from my past By: Lori Loesch
Why is school such a thorn in my side? I love school, learning. What makes me anxious is all the extra things I feel I must do for my daughter. There’s a week where kids wear different articles of clothing. A cowboy hat, I mean cowgirl hat, bandana, etc. Then there’s signing her homework, every night. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but she worries that I’ll forget, and she’ll get a fine. Her snack, they have a late lunch, the paper that came home telling us what not to send, is exasperating. Nothing that was packaged in a factory, that may also manufacture peanuts. I make a jelly sandwich and give her an apple.
I do feel my daughter should be in charge of more things school related, but I’ve done everything for her and her brother, I know, it isn’t the best idea, but I came from a family where I was not much more than a dog. I’m 52 and I am finding it difficult to keep up with the physical things I did when I was 30 years old.
Why doesn’t school start at nine or ten am.? Mornings are difficult, it takes me a while to get mobil enough to move around. My daughter gets on the bus at 6:55 am., and arrives at school at 8:00 am. We wake up at 5:50 am. to be at school at 8:00 am. I have been driving her to school, she gets a 20 minute ride without the loud, annoying kids on the bus. I enjoy the drive, 40 minutes, round trip. I must say it’s a great part of my day. The sun rising, the fog dissipating, music playing. Faith likes listening to music on the way.
I keep the morning routine happy. My childhood was such, that it’s the most important thing, to send her off to school with no yelling, no rushing out the door. When I write about how terrible my childhood was, I worry that I’ll upset my mother. I was never allowed to speak of my mom, in a negative way. “She is a good mother and I don’t ever want to hear you say that again!” The one time I got mad at my mom and spoke something derogatory about her, my grandmother jumped over the backseat of the car and yelled the previous statement to me. I grew up thinking my family was everything and what they said was right. They were not right. I was sheltered, only around them. I never knew people with different ideas, and if I did, they shut it down.
I think I went through school in a daze. Somedays I learned what the teacher was teaching. Most days I was in my mind living. I spent a lot of time in my mind. I’m not sure what was going through my mind, but it wasn’t good. My mother didn’t do much with school, she worked to keep our family afloat. My adopted-step dad, was a bum. I hate that word, there’s no other word to describe him. He worked if he felt like it. I’m too rough on him. His mother and father were worse than anyone I was around. His mother physically abused him and he lost sight in one eye because of it. He wasn’t ready to be a dad, or a person, for that matter. I hope and pray that I have broken the pattern. I have. My son is gay and if he has children, I’m certain he’ll be a great dad. My daughter is 10 years old and never wants to marry or have children.
I fear everyday that I’m going to turn her to depression. I worried about my son too. It is in our genetics. When I’m down, it really bothers me. On those days, or weeks, I wish I could go away from my family to keep them from seeing me in a darkness that I feel I do not belong in.
I’m not where I want to be. I’m missing out on who I really am. I want to sing, dance and be in theater, even though I am so far removed from that lifestyle. If I could be a part of a theater scene, in the background, until I learn and gain confidence to perform on stage. Sometimes I think I sabotage my happiness for others. I need to find those big girl pants, and pull them up, and speak my mind, with no fear of the consequences. I fear everything! It comes from my childhood and I want it gone!
I feel there’s an awakening waiting for me and I’m anxious for it to come to life. I want to do better things. Find my passion. Help my daughter find hers.
This next subject has nothing to do with the first, but it has been bothering me. Why do young men from Sir Lanka and Islamabad, want to be my friend on FaceBook? Are they using me to come to America? Are there others that have this same thing happening? I get these men every time I comment to Sir Richard Branson’s FB page. After the first time, I stopped commenting. Then last week I commented again, and wa la, a man from Islamabad wants to be my friend. I have had Muslim and Japanese friends in the past when we lived in State College, Pa. A small college town. I attract foreigners, locals, not so much. I fit right in with the Japanese women. I really miss them. They always welcomed me into their picnics at the park, I can’t remember Americans doing that for me and my young child. Jules could play all day – neither child speaking the same language, but they had a blast. He was three. My daughter never had the opportunity to mix with such diversity. We moved to Bum F k, Centre Hall, when she just turned three. There is one Japanese girl and one African American in her class.
Am I supposed to bring muslims and the rest of the world together? You know – teach acceptance? I have always felt a pull to Europe – Saudi Arabia. I thought I liked their culture. Strong men, handling everything, moms taking care of the children. They don’t believe in the God that I believe in. Will they pull me astray? Will I teach them about my God? I think too much. I just found a physician, a neurologist that says he has, Obsessive Compulsive thinking. Me too. I need to stop thinking and feeling anxious that I am missing out on my destiny. Why do I feel there’s something bigger that I should be doing? Any information will be appreciated, but please keep it friendly.
Tags: Acceptance, depression again, school
