Laying at the Daggers’ Edge by Lori J. Loesch

 I don’t know.  So much has changed in my life, and I’m not a happy person.  I used to think I was.  Maybe I never was, it was all show.  Coming from an abusive, dysfunctional home, makes me wonder if I should have stayed single.  Raising a family, after suffering abuse, made it difficult for my husband and me to come to terms on how to discipline our children.  When he wanted to spank our son, my whole body and mind hurt.  It was me feeling all the years of pain all over again.  I couldn’t allow it.  Now, when our son does something he shouldn’t, it’s all my fault. When he does good things, it all came from my husband.  Yea, I hate that.  I never had to spank my kids.  I spent so much time with them, that I really can’t remember any times that they needed reprimanded.  We were happy together, my kids and I.  

When I was single, living on my own, with my cat, I would listen to the married girls complain about their husbands.  That’s all they did.  I imagined their husbands’ conversations, sang that same tune.  I would say to them that when I go home, my cat doesn’t fight with me.  But then the holiday parties started and I never had a date.  I wish I would have felt comfortable with that.  I didn’t, and started to worry that my clock was ticking and that I wanted a husband and children too.  If there’s one thing I want to express to young people, it’s that, you don’t have to be married.  You should find your happiness and be good with that.  I feel as though I forced the hand of marriage, and now my  husband and I, and our kids are paying the price.  

I feel despondent, and that makes me angry and sad.  There is nothing that makes me feel good.  There is nothing that I want to do.  I don’t want to do anything.  That makes me sad, because I have a young daughter to raise.  I’m waiting, waiting on the Lord to lead me to my next move.  I realized just how unhappy and despondent I was, when we went on a 9 day cruise to the sunny, warm, Caribbean.  I was at an all time low.  The entire trip, I don’t believe I smiled.  People always comment on my smile, I used to smile a lot.  The smile is gone.  I look older, too.  My entire countenance has changed.  What happened?  Where is my joy?  

A year ago I started this blog for Motherhoodlaterthansooner.com, and I remember writing that my kids are getting older, and I need to find my joy.  I thought writing would be that joy.  I really haven’t been able to cut loose and write.  I’m living in an environment where I don’t feel at ease writing.  I’m just going to put this out there…Maybe, just maybe, I need, I want, to be divorced.  Maybe, just maybe, I will never find what I’m looking for, until I live on my own.  Where I’m able to live as I see it.  For me, I have been told that I am living in a cage.  Now, husband doesn’t see it that way.  So he denies it.  I don’t believe it has anything to do with him, it’s something I must do.  I have been controlled by others for 52 years and maybe, just maybe, it’s time to do it on my own.  The way Lori would roll. (I will change my name)  With no one saying that, “I shouldn’t say that, do that, think that, wear that…”   A life where,  I wake with the sun in my eyes, walk out, get a cup of coffee, wake my daughter for school, life is quiet, and peaceful.  Not angry and sullen.  Even if I wake with no sun in my eyes, the day is overcast and cloudy, I will still wake-up to quiet and peace.  

A while back, I Googled what chance a marriage has when the wife was severely abused as a child, and led a promiscuous past, because of that abuse.  It said the chance of survival was slim to none.  It wouldn’t work out.  I was determined to be the exception.  I knew that my husband and I could fight this and win.  Well, maybe not.  Maybe we are the rule.   This is not where I thought I’d be at 52 years of age.  But I am.  I don’t like it, and I want change.  I’m afraid of change.  I’m afraid of a lot of things.  I’m afraid that living separated or divorced, I may just land flat on my face.  I’d rather make things work and stay together.  I just don’t know. 

Laying at the daggers’ edge, all my life, upon my chest.  I want to run, I want to hide, courage, where do you reside?  I’m afraid of fear, I fear to fear.  I look inside, but nothing’s clear, cloudy, hazy, wipe it all away, wipe away the fog of yesterday. 

I know, I need a job.  It’s been 21 years since I worked outside the home.  It’s going to be a big change for my family.  Where do I want to work?  I’ll probably work at the school.  That way I’ll be on the same schedule as my daughter.  I’ll also have the inside scoop on school things.  I would like to go back to doing what I did before I started raising my family.  I soldered components onto boards.  I had a lowly job, but I liked it, and I’m good with working on small, detailed things.  I looked through a microscope all day.  The more I write about working, the better I am feeling.  It is just so hard for me to get started.  Just do it.  One foot in front of the other.  Maybe that’s what this family needs.  Mom to get off her duff and get a job!  We will see.

This blog for motherhoodlaterthansooner.com is a God send.  I’m able to let my words out, even if no one reads them, it still helps me.  I have been told since I was able to understand, “Keep your mouth shut”.  I don’t want to keep my mouth shut.  I don’t want my daughter to keep her  mouth shut.  AND, I never want to hear anyone say that, “you should not have said that”.  I am free to have speech and I  never want to hear anyone put me down or say I’m crazy for my words, ever again!  I am strong, I am woman, hear me roar!  

I will hear shit for printing this blog.  Sometimes my husband likes what I blog.  Other times not.  This one will probably be a ‘not’.  Oh well, he is a private person.  Doesn’t want outsiders to know our business.  Well, I don’t have family that I trust or that he likes and I don’t have friends, so this is my way of letting it go and feeling better.  I hope that others will learn from my mistakes.  I’ve made so many.  Choose the good wolf, and feed her well.