“Summer of Transformation” by Jean Marie Keenan-Johnston
I’ve been gone for a really long time. I can’t even recall the last time I posted here. It hasn’t been for lack of wanting to be here…blogging is like therapy to me, and when I’m not doing it I miss it terribly…it’s been all the treading water to avoid drowning that’s kept me away.
The past school year has been the toughest I’ve experienced since we started school three years ago. Despite it being our third year attending a virtual school, you’d think with how hard it was that it was our first! I had to tackle a year of Kindergarten with a child who really does her best to avoid things she doesn’t want to do and help my mom continue to manage after her fall last winter, all while fighting to stay on my feet as fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis do their best to push me down. A few other hurdles showed themselves throughout the year…a few health issues for my mom, some near misses for me that almost landed me in the hospital, and many, many overdue lessons each marking period. I’m extremely grateful my daughters had the most understanding teachers we could possibly have as well as a principal who had our back at every turn! I got by month after month reminding myself if I could just get to the end of the school year and get all the girls’ work turned in by the last day then I could use the summer months to try to clean up the chaos and start over with a fresh, clean slate come next September.
My “Summer of Transformation”. That’s my tag line for the many goals under this umbrella of Summer of 2016 and all I want to accomplish during these few months.
So I wrote a list for myself. 107 items. That’s how much I’ve thought of that needs to be done either asap or by the of the summer. Medical appointments for my mom. Medical appointments for my girls. Medical appointments for me that should have never been put off but had to be because there just wasn’t any other way to fit them in. Lots of phone calls and lots of catching up on cleaning and organizing! I wrote that list because I was stressed about the possibility of forgetting something important, however as I look at it I’m struggling to figure out which is the best way to approach this…having this massive list that creates panic attacks each time I look at it OR risking forgetting some pretty important stuff as I try to trick myself into thinking there isn’t that much to tackle as a way to manage my stress. The jury on that one is still out!
So hopefully I will be here a lot more often. Along with getting a lot of work accomplished this summer and figuring out how to work out all the kinks that make our house chaotic rather than productive during the school year (organizing and reorganizing!!!), each person here has changes that need to be made. Hubby is having more pain than ever, so we’re hoping to get a new MRI, start him with a new chiropractor and get some new opinions about surgery possibilities for his degenerative disc disease. My girls have been dragged along behind me, riding my coat tails as I chase after my responsibilities and run away from my stressors, for this last school year. Bedtimes suffered, and we weren’t able to put as much in-depth study into their lessons as I would have liked. So my hope for my girls is that we have lots of fun together this summer (They’re both signed up for swimming lessons and gymnastics classes, and my competition dancer will be dancing through the summer session! And this former teacher has promised to give them art and cooking lessons here at home!) as we figure out how to bring about a miracle…creating a schedule and routine with a mommy who has a chronic pain condition that makes keeping to a schedule and remembering routines nearly impossible! For my mom, we have many specialists to consult as we strive to give her a chance to enjoy her golden years despite all the obstacles her falls have created for her. And for me? “Summer of Transformation” probably applies to me more than anybody else or the family as a whole. Now that I don’t have to focus on school, I’m working on setting that focus on my health, both mental and physical. I’m anxious to lose weight, I’m eager to find ways to make time for “me” again, to enjoy the hobbies fibromyalgia and RA make so difficult so that combining them with being a wife and mother takes them out of the picture completely. I want to make this the time for me to find out how to manage my disability better so I can feel like I’m enjoying life rather than just working for everyone else’s sake. Some people may have started their new year with resolutions to this effect. But when you’re dealing with a winter of increased pain and fatigue that makes it feel like you’re walking through a foot of sludge, you’re not able to dream of changes like that.
July is only days away. School begins September 6. That’s over two months to make some very big dreams come true. The desire is there. Now I just have to hope my body cooperates and the universe doesn’t throw anything else at me to lead me astray from this path!
