Guest Post: Motherhood Reimagined by Sarah Kowalski (Book Excerpt)
“I’m not sure I want to have a baby if I have to do it alone,” I said. I could remember how badly I’d wanted children when I was younger, but my rational adult mind dreamed up every reason under the sun to avoid motherhood. “I’m afraid I’ll end up single forever if I have a baby alone. Who wants to date a woman who already has kids?” I implored. This fear of remaining single forever loomed over me. … I was afraid of scaring men off if I showed that I was committed to having a child.
[Yet,] I began to envision life as a single mom. Most of my hobbies and lifestyle choices would be sacrificed to a baby. Worse yet, I knew I’d be raising a baby without any family support. My parents, who lived more than a five-hour drive away, were both approaching eighty. Even if they wanted to help, I knew it would be hard for them to contribute in any substantial way. And my sister, who lived in Santa Cruz, wasn’t crazy about babies. I couldn’t envision her offering to babysit. This notion produced melodramatic visions of me completely isolated, never leaving the house again.
Once again, I sought Chris’s counsel in a private session. As Chris worked on me, I shared, “I’ve been thinking about how alone I will be raising a baby.” I stammered bitterly, “You know my family, they won’t help.”
“If I know one thing about you, it’s that you know how to create community,” Chris responded. “You will not be raising a baby alone.”
True. Throughout my life, I’d been the one to organize weekends away, dinner parties, wine tasting clubs, and more. I was constantly bringing friends from different groups together, building bridges and connections. …Would that community spirit translate to raising a baby?
“And, there are no rules in this area,” Chris coaxed. “You can pave your own path, create your own family, however you want that to look.”
True again. There were no rules for the path I might undertake, but there was also no manual. I would be operating outside the realm of convention. I could define family however I wanted. I could invite friends to be aunties and uncles, even grandparents. I opened my mind to other unconventional ideas. I owned a big house, which was calling out for more people to live in it. I could offer an au pair or a college student free rent in exchange for help. I could even invite another single mother into the house as a roommate, and we could share the cost of an au pair … Yes, I could construct whatever I wanted. There were no limits.
But even as my mind started to expand, the old message came back: I’d be single forever if I had a baby alone. “I feel like I’m making a choice between being in a partnership and having a baby. I just can’t get over that fear of being alone.”
“This is where you are confused,” Chris chuckled. “There are never any guarantees in life. And certainly, that’s more true with men,” he joked. “Even if you get married and decide to have children together, there is no guarantee that he will stick around. He could leave you while you are pregnant or the day your baby is born. You have no idea what might happen. And conversely, you could get pregnant tomorrow and then meet the man of your dreams before you have the baby.”
It was such an obvious and yet profound epiphany. Because nothing in life is permanent or certain, I could not guarantee anything. It was impossible to predict which path to motherhood might leave me single or partnered, or how long I’d remain in any given state. As Chris continued to work on me, I settled down more and more, my mind opening. Attraction, too, must be completely unpredictable. It was ridiculous to assume no man would be attracted to me if I had a child. Who knew? If I already had my own child, that might eliminate the hot-button issue from my dating life. Men could come into my life, but they didn’t need to father a child.
Chris said, “Get really quiet. Settle down and calm your system so you can hear yourself. Avoid the temptation to be busy all the time.” I took in a deep breath as his words and touch quieted my system…“Let your true nature decide, not your fears and logic.”
I knew that when the mind was busy worrying about details and life, it remained in a state of constant chattering, obscuring the deeper wisdom. Usually I could notice and calm this in myself, but around the baby topic, I needed help.
Clarity was on its way, however slowly. I’d gotten over my fear of using a sperm donor; accepted the uncertain nature of life and partnerships; and decided that dating under the extreme pressure to procreate was a dead-end street, while dating after having a baby could be liberating. I could see interesting and exciting ways that I might construct the support and structure I would need to raise a baby and take care of myself financially. Though fears continued to surface, looping around in my brain, they had less power each time. I could see that having a baby alone would be hard, but it might actually be feasible. Now I had to decide once and for all: Do I really want to do this?
The answer would come in late January, during one of Chris’s weekly Qigong classes. After about an hour of class, we transitioned to sitting in chairs. “Try to pay attention to the breathing without concocting it in any way. Just notice it as it is,” he advised.
With each in breath, I felt as if my being was immense, expanding in all directions.
As I was luxuriating in the expansion and contraction of my body, a vision came to me: a young baby girl dressed in bright pink on a swing. She was surrounded by a green, grassy field, which provided a beautiful contrast to her pink dress. She smiled and laughed as I pushed her on the swing. It was an easy moment of joy between the baby and me. And suddenly, just like that, my mind was made up. I wanted a baby. The reasons not to simply vanished. The years of indecision melted away. In that moment, the truth was so obvious, so clear that I was jolted by the idea that I ever could have thought that I didn’t want a baby.
Sarah Kowalski, Esq., is a fertility doula, family building coach, postpartum doula, and author, as well as the founder of Motherhood Reimagined. She is a regular contributor to ESME.com, YourTango.com, and ChoiceMoms.org. As a single mother by choice who conceived her son via sperm and egg donors, she is a go-to guide for women who are contemplating single motherhood, having fertility issues, raising donor-conceived children, or navigating life as single mothers. Kowalski has a BA from UC Berkeley and graduated magna cum laude from Santa Clara University Law School. She left the practice of law to pursue her interests in alternative healing and the mind/body connection by becoming a Guild-Certified Feldenkrais Practitioner, Qigong instructor, and Certified Integral Coach.
