In Real Life, Incorporated by Andrea Santo Felcone
If left to his own devices—and by this I mean, digital devices, my teenage son might very likely spend the entire day on his Xbox—with short breaks for reality. I’m not sure why this behavior surprises me; he’s of the generation that has labeled reality, as in, “I’ll meet you ‘IRL’ (in real life).” I’m left to wonder if there’s an entrepreneurial aspect to this in the not-too-distant future….
In Real Life, Inc., “How may I help you?”
Frazzled Mom: “Oh, thank goodness, a real person. I’m beside myself. I took my teenage son to a restaurant, and when the waitress asked what he’d like, my son pointed to the words on the menu, (“hamburger and fries”), and told her to “click here.” CLICK HERE?! His gaming is so out of control he doesn’t know how to order from a real menu anymore?!”
IRL: “No worries. You’ve come to the right place. Are you familiar with our “WELCOME BACK TO REALITY®” packages? We have the “Gentle Nudge™” for the child who has just started to lose himself to Virtual Reality, or the “The Swift Kick™,” for more serious situations.”
Mom: “I only just learned about “IRL, Inc.” from a friend. I had no idea what “IRL” meant…. I’m from the days of whole words—you know, with multiple vowels, (nervous laugh). My friend had to tell me “IRL” means “In Real Life!” (How shocking that we need to label REALITY!)
“Anyway, I’ve heard about all the good work you’re doing … how you take children out of Virtual Reality and reintegrate them back into REAL Reality. You know, the kind we had as kids, with sunshine and outdoors and face-to-face conversations. Oh, I’m getting misty-eyed just thinking about it. I’m thrilled a company like yours exists.”
IRL: “Aw, thanks. In a way, it’s sad that we’re the only company currently offering REALITY® packages. Many of our competitors have gone under in this challenging market—as many parents have conceded that Virtual Reality is the only Reality now, and there’s no sense fighting it. Happy to see there are still parents who feel as you do–that original, classic, REALITY® is worth passing down to our children.”
Mom: “Of course, it is! Tell me more about the “Gentle Nudge™”….”
IRL: “The contents of the “Gentle Nudge™” (all focus-group tested) will help guide your child safely back into REALITY®. Inside you’ll find a headset—DON’T WORRY—it’s merely a prop; it isn’t connected to anything, just there for your son’s comfort. Think of it like his “security blanket.” The package also comes with directions to your local ice cream shop, some vitamin D supplements, and the GPS coordinates of your son’s friends (we’re able to track them through his Xbox). It’s been awhile since you’ve had to drive anyone, anywhere–am I right?
“Then, every month afterward, the “Gentle Nudge™” delivers another experience to your door. After ice cream, it’s a pizza outing, and then for those in the program that are doing well, it can be a trip to the mall. (Crowds can startle the newly reintegrated back into their basements, so we proceed with caution on that level.) The kids love that there are “levels” to reintegration, as it reminds them of “leveling up” in their gaming world.”
Mom: “What if, my son’s friends … what if, (in a whisper) … it’s too late for them … and they won’t step foot out of their basements? What then?”
IRL: “Unfortunately, we see this so frequently we’ve created a work-around. We have RENTAL FRIENDS® we can send to accompany your son. You simply take a survey of the qualities your son likes in his friends, and we’ll supply new friends—ones that have already gone through “IRL, Inc.” and are comfortable in outdoor spaces.
“I know it’s not ideal to manufacture friends, but sadly, teens today haven’t seen their friends in person for months on end, so they don’t seem to notice the difference between real and rental.”
Mom: “My son used to enjoy going to the movies, is that offered as a “Gentle Nudge™” option?”
IRL: “Although that is a “VALID REAL-LIFE EXPERIENCE®,” it doesn’t provide much opportunity for your son to talk directly to his friends (real or fake). “IRL, Inc.” prides itself on our 93.7% success rate getting teenagers to talk to each other, and its .00004% success rate getting teens to talk to their parents. (These are the highest rates in the industry).
“We don’t encourage movie-going as an initial activity back into REALITY®. We prefer activities that require face-to-face conversation, sunshine, etc. If a child is doing well on the “Gentle Nudge™,” they can be rewarded with a movie, but that’s a slippery slope since movies: a) occur in the dark (same as that dank basement!) and b) don’t require eye contact. But, if you aren’t happy with the ice cream outing, there are sports packages to choose from….”
Mom, interrupting: “Sports packages! That’s a stretch! How do you think we got to gaming in the first place?”
