Stop Trying to Be a Perfect Mom by Dana B. Myers, author, The Mommy Mojo Makeover (Book Excerpt)
Raise your hand if you relate to this kind of morning: I wake up at the crack of dawn, hurry the little ones out the door to school and then sit with a cup of coffee amidst a pile of clothes to be laundered, crumbs to be swept and To Do lists to be tackled. Suddenly, I get this overwhelming feeling that I am just not enough. Not enough of a mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, entrepreneur, or business partner. Have I inspired, motivated, loved or listened enough? What more can I give? Am I too bossy, too selfish, too emotional? Do I complain or worry too much? How can I be more like Kate . . . who’s kids eat dessert only once a week? How can I do it all it better, more precise, more perfect?
Despite what I know in my heart to be true, that I am a great mom, these racing, self-doubting thoughts about my abilities as a mother still continue to creep up to this very day. More than likely, you’ve been there too.
It seems like no matter where we look, there are opinions about the right or wrong way to be a mother: in parenting books, blogs, social media mommy-to-mommy groups, at school drop-o s and playdates. As if giving birth wasn’t already hard enough! We are told we’re not supposed to let the baby cry it out or switch to formula too soon and that our home should be perfectly organized. We somehow convince ourselves that our bodies will just bounce back and that our post- partum sex lives will be easy and natural. oh, and let’s not forget about advancing in our careers while still making delicious homemade meals every night!
The scary thing is that for every “right way” presented by one expert, there are ten other alternative “right ways” to do it.
And because of this, there’s always another voice challenging you to do it better—which makes motherhood a breeding ground for insecuri- ties and unfair comparisons.
Ughhh. Self-doubt is just so un-sexy.
PERFECTION IS THE PROBLEM
You know it as well as I do, that trying to do everything perfectly stresses you out and makes you miserable. Seeking perfection—while simulta- neously worrying about what others think—drains your enthusiasm, crushes your con dence, and diverts you from your well-deserved plea- sure zone. This constant comparing makes you feel less than. And it’s hard on your relationship, too. How many date nights have been ruined by endless banter on what other parents are doing better than you, and judging yourselves as a result? And if I had to guess, there’s a good chance that it’s you instigating the majority of those conversations, while your spouse practically begs you to just let it go and unwind— and enjoy a date night out away from the kids!
Seeking perfection in motherhood and comparing yourself with other mamas can only do one thing: stress you out and turn you off. Our goal here is to turn you back on. Sure, it’s normal to want to be the best mom you can be and give your children everything they could possibly need, but it’s time to give up on this quest for perfection. It’s one of the most liberating, empowering, thrilling—and yes, sexy—actions you can take for yourself as a woman, mother and partner.
YOUR MISSION: STOP FOCUSING ON PERFECTION
Here are some tried-and-true tips to abandon your quest for perfection and leave behind the self-doubt for good. Steering clear of the comparison trap will not only make you feel more con dent as a mother, but you’ll also learn to embrace your true self. Because being perfect isn’t sexy. Being completely in control of everything isn’t either. But being authentic is sexy. Lightening up is sexy. Being yourself is sexy.
- Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Moms
Comparing yourself to other mamas is such a tempting trap to fall into. There you are, doing your mom-thing, feeling super con dent and proud and then you spot . . . her. The mom who grew the green vegetables that she hand-pureed into the homemade snack bar her perfectly behaved child is nibbling on neatly while quietly reading— in two different languages. Her hair . . . her out t . . . and damn, her nails, too; she looks so good. Her kid seems so perfect! Suddenly, all those self-assured, positive bold feelings you were having about yourself just a few moments ago have vaporized and you’ve found yourself comparing how your differences set you apart. The crazy thing is, you can bet that while you’re comparing yourself to that “perfect” mom across the room, she’s probably comparing herself to someone else, too!
The big problem with comparing yourself to other moms is that it diminishes your unique genius—your particular power and air—as a mother. It shifts you from feeling con dent to feeling like you’re strug- gling. Do you really need more struggle in your life? No, Mama, no you do not. In these moments where you are seized by a sense of crippling comparison, take a deep breath and shift your focus back to you. Tell yourself: I am enough, I do enough, right here, right now, today.
Then, recognize something even more profound: that she is you and you are her. Be bold, walk over and strike up a conversation with that mom and connect. Ask her how her day is, ask her for her three favorite parenting tips—not because you want to be like her but because there is so much we can learn from each other’s unique mothering styles. Be excited about the beautiful differences that exist from mom to mom. Ask what her struggles are, because trust me, she has them too and she wants to share! Find yourself in each other, and allow the comparison and jealousy to fade away, making room for real connection and even a potential new friendship. The bottom line here is this: do you, and do it like a badass. While you’re at it, stop comparing your kids to other kids, too. Your kids are amazing! Don’t spread that toxic garbage onto them, even if you’re doing it subconsciously.
If those feelings of competition stem from obsessively trolling that “perfect mom” on Instagram and Pinterest, take a break from looking at her page, or even unfollow her for a while. Search for more relatable moms with a social media presence who celebrates her mistakes and finds humor within the pitfalls of parenting (a quick internet search for relatable parenting blogs will bring up thousands of options).
- Forgive Yourself When You F*ck Up
We all set high expectations on ourselves to do our very best. But sometimes, we don’t do our best and that’s okay. We scream too loudly when it was only a mistake. We miss an emotional cry for help because we were rushing to get somewhere we deemed “more important.” We let an F-bomb y at the two-year-old because they wouldn’t stop whining. We shared a secret that we had promised to keep. We failed to catch them when they fell and they wound up bloodied and bruised.
Okay, so you made a mistake! Not the first, and definitely not the last. Take a big step back and offer yourself a little more kindness, and a little less judgment. You are only human, and remember that everyone makes mistakes. If the situation calls for an apology to your kid, be quick to o er one. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “Darling, I’m so sorry for shouting so loudly. I was feeling short-tempered and I lost it. That didn’t call for such a big reaction! I love you.” Then, forgive yourself and drop the guilt—you haven’t “messed them up” for life. Kids are remarkably resilient, and they actually don’t expect you to be perfect. In fact, showing them that you’re not perfect—but knowing how to offer a genuine apology and learn from your mistakes—is teaching them a valuable life skill.
Making mistakes is normal; beating yourself up should not be. Forgive yourself, again and again, and remember that tomorrow is a new day. There’ll be new challenges to rise up to, and of course, new opportunities to make more mistakes and learn more about yourself in the process. You may as well get used to it! It’s time to stop being so damn hard on yourself and start to become more gentle and forgiving of who you are.
(Reprinted with permission from Viva Editions.)
Dana B. Myers, author, The Mommy Mojo Makeover, award-winning founder of Booty Parlor, author, and mother of two, inspires thousands of women to awaken their self-confidence and create sexier, more satisfying experiences in, and out, of the bedroom. Dana has appeared as a sex expert on Access Hollywood, Good Morning America, and The Wendy Williams Show, among others, and her products have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and many more.
