Sleep Deprivation: The Upside by Andrea Santo Felcone

This past weekend’s Father’s Day festivities included space for “nap time” for my husband…. He’s a great napper, wakes up refreshed, revived, and happy. He comes from a long line of nappers. I remember one time, fairly early into our married life, spending an afternoon at my in-laws, where my husband, father-in-law, and mother-in-law were all sound asleep. That’s when I formulated my theory: No one in that house has ever seen what it looks like at 3:00 p.m. on a Sunday. Not a one. Everyone was snoring away. Everyone that knows my husband’s family knows not to call their house at 3:00 p.m. on a Sunday (that’s kind of cute, but then so are they).

I, however, can tell you what their house looks like at that hour because I’m a terrible napper. Horrible. The one time my husband tried to convince me of the benefits of napping, I woke up groggier than I started, (I’m terrible at re-entry). Not realizing how groggy I was, I went out and almost stepped into oncoming traffic. That was when the nap and I officially parted ways.

I guess I sleep too long, or not deeply enough, or maybe too deeply; who knows? It’s too risky for me. I did have two beautiful naps in my life, and I guess I’ll have to hang onto those memories. The best nap of my life was on a ferry to Nantucket (I can already hear you saying “well, of course”). I was twenty-something, tan, carefree (well, as carefree as I get), and a friend and I both fell asleep with the sun on our faces (those were different times), the waves crashing, the ferry engine humming along …  that was probably the best sleep of my life. The second-best sleep—the runner-up–was when I was under anesthesia during a routine colonoscopy—so you can see why naps are tricky things for me. Apparently, it either has to be on a sun-drenched ferry headed to a charming island, or under proper medical supervision—the regular-old, run-of-the-mill nap isn’t going to cut it.

So, forget naps. What I wouldn’t give for a quality night’s sleep—a complete night. I don’t know about you, but I rarely get uninterrupted sleep. At first you think it’s only a temporary condition, right? Once your infant sleeps through the night, you are golden. Or maybe once the toddler stops having nightmares, all will be well. Or maybe once your preschooler stops hearing “weird noises” in the night, you will sleep. And maybe there is a period of time—a sweet spot—when your child is in elementary school when all will settle down, but no, somehow, he will see a scary video, or someone at school will tell him something frightening, and the night-time interruptions will begin anew. It seems there will always be something that pokes a hole in a full night’s rest.

When my second son was an infant, I was a mess. Exhausted. So exhausted. I had some checks I wanted to deposit in the bank. I was so tired, I just kept thinking wouldn’t it be great if there was banking where you could stay in your car? Why for heaven’s sake, couldn’t someone invent “drive-through banking,” so I could keep the baby bundled in the car and still get those checks deposited? It seriously took me a full day to realize drive-through banking already existed … that’s how tired I was. I’ll never forget the first well-visit I took my second son to, I was so tired I had forgotten how to collapse his stroller. I was seriously contemplating just abandoning the stroller by the side of the road so I could get home. Finally, through some combination of kicks, twists, and pulls, the thing collapsed—right before I did. I was able to get home with the baby and the stroller (a huge “win” that day).

Before children, when I was tired, I used to do odd things like try to open my apartment door with a subway token. And who among us hasn’t put their laundry in the refrigerator? But now I’m a pretty high-functioning sleep-deprived person. Yes, now, I see a need, and I invent things. (I know, right?) You know how they say “Necessity is the mother of invention,” well, I say, then mothers (all parents really) out of sheer necessity should be some of the greatest inventors. It must be true, because back when my second son was a baby, it hit me, the invention I would want most, not a thing, but a person, an entirely new profession–the “NURISTA”.

They have coffee shops everywhere, right? But none of them are where they are most needed—in a pediatrician’s office. I could give up my coffee at a bookstore, or in a museum, or a retail store, but, those initial well-visits would have gone way better had the nurse handed me a cappuccino. When I was standing on the sidewalk trying to collapse that stroller, the seed of this idea was planted. If I had had just a little coffee at that well-visit, I would have collapsed that stroller with the flick of a wrist. And that’s when it hit me: THAT could be an entire profession: the NURISTA. She, or he, is half-nurse, half-barista. I’m not talking about adding work to the busy life of a nurse, no. I’m talking about an entirely new profession—a sub-group of nursing. Think about this. You know how there’s a vaccination schedule, what if it came with fancy coffees? Like it’s time for the baby’s MMR and your MMR: A Mocha Macchiato and a nice piece of Rugelach? Basically, the baby needs his shots and you get a shot of espresso—in the fancy coffee drink of your choice (and a pastry). Seems like a win-win to me. The NURISTA is board-certified to give out vaccination shots and espresso shots. Anyway, I wouldn’t have been able to invent an entire profession had I not been extremely sleep-deprived.

So, really, sleep deprivation can have an upside.

What are the strangest things you’ve done in the name of sleep-deprivation?

Ever invented anything that would help out your fellow parents?

I’d love to hear your sleep-deprivation stories.

Tags: coffee, inventions, sleep, sleep deprivation