Breast of Intentions by Lisa Kelly

My son had terrible colic until he was almost 9 months old. We tried every formula on the shelves until a chiropractor friend recommended a special order (and expensive!!) one that worked. I never knew if it really was the formula or if he simply outgrew the colic. Since he was to be my only child, I felt confident in saying I’d breast feed the next one – no doubt! Now that I am three months away from the next one, my confidence is in pieces on the ground.

I wasn’t sure where I’d picked up such strong ideas against the breast but those feelings are stronger than ever. I work with a couple of military moms who are very vocal advocates for breast feeding and with all the buzz around how long is too long and what do people think of feeding in uniform, it seems the chatter is nonstop. The more I hear about it, the less I want to do it yet I know it is the right thing for my baby. I research for proof that formulas are advanced enough now to equal mom’s milk. I read about tainted formulas and know I couldn’t live with myself if my baby ingested something harmful due to my selfishness. This back and forth thought process happens pretty much all day, every day.

I read about “exclusive pumping” and how that is growing in popularity. Maybe I could do that? I set off to Target to look at breast pumps. I swear, I acted worse than a teenager getting ready to buy her first box of tampons. I circled the aisle but couldn’t bring myself to go down it. I’m 45 years old! This should NOT be a big deal! I called my mom and told her I was trying to look at breast pumps and was torn about what to do. She said “Oh dear God, you aren’t going to do that are you? You will leak everywhere! I remember your aunt doing that and she would feed off one side while the other side dripped!” AHA!! Now I know where this deep set idea of mine came from and I know I do not want to pass this anti-breast feeding idea down to my daughter. Despite knowing these things, I am still very hesitant to give it a try. Heck, I could just do it during my maternity leave. It’s really not a big deal so why am I making it one?

If anyone has any tips for getting over this, please let me know as I really do want to do everything right this time.