Enough About The Baby by Becky Vieira (Book Excerpt)

While there is no way to completely escape unsolicited advice, there are things you and your partner can both do to help soften the impact of this well-intentioned but often unbearable aspect of parenting.

1. Make a plan before your baby arrives.
My husband and I never thought twice about unsolicited advice during my pregnancy, so we were wholly unprepared when it became an issue after our son was born. If you and your partner even have one conversation about it, you’ll be ahead of the game. Discuss how you feel about unsolicited advice in general and how you’d like to handle it. Also, be sure to talk about it again after your baby is born, because that’s when you’ll be inundated with it.

2. Have an honest conversation with those closest to you.
Personally, I’m not one for confrontation, but I can be up-front with my immediate family and closest friends. If you have a strong opinion about being offered “gentle suggestions,” let them know one way or the other. Maybe you know that you absolutely don’t want to hear anything without being asked, or perhaps you
want their advice and opinions. Personally, I try my hardest to keep my mouth closed when someone has a baby, but a friend of mine specifically told me that she wanted me to know that I could offer her any advice, whether unsolicited or not. And without hearing that, I probably never would have.

3. If you can, let it go.
In an ideal world, if someone decided they absolutely needed to tell us how we could better push our baby’s stroller, we would nod along and thank them for sharing. Then, we’d either take the advice or forget it. Some people are better at this than others. I was able to do this in some situations, like that lettuce bath, but with certain people I couldn’t get past it, regardless of
what they said. Try to overlook at least some of it.

4. Create an exit plan.
If you know for a fact that you receive unsolicited advice about as well as fish can swim out of water, plan things in advance that you can say to end or change the conversation, especially if you struggle to come up with ideas on the spot. “Thank you for that idea, but I’m running late for a doctor’s appointment” or “That’s interesting, but can you tell me what happened with your neighbor who you think stole your Amazon package?” Turning the focus back to them is a great way to change the course of the conversation.

5. Be direct and honest.
As I said, this isn’t my specialty. I will tell someone the most complicated story in an effort to avoid confrontation and possibly keep from hurting their feelings. I am in awe of those who can come out and say exactly what they think. If that is you, use that moxie to meet the situation head-on. A polite response that makes your feelings known in no uncertain terms might sound like this: “Thank you for the suggestions. I value your experience, but I think I want to try things my own way. Would you be open to me calling you to ask for advice when I need it?”.

6. Take a vow of silence at home.
In addition to how you feel about unsolicited advice, you need to factor in your partner’s opinions, too. One of you may have no problem with it, while the other wants nothing to do with it. In that situation, you might want to consider putting a moratorium on it, meaning don’t talk about it and especially don’t share with your partner anything someone may have advised you to do or try.

7. Write it down for your partner.
Sometimes the problem with unsolicited advice is the timing. I know that, if I’m especially tired or stressed, I’m not as open to hearing uninvited opinions. But when I’m rested and clearheaded, I’m much better at managing my emotions. My husband actually had the idea that, instead of just telling me everything and anything people told him, he would write it down. We tried this and it was actually a big help. He kept a notebook that I would read on my own time, instead of hearing, “My cousin said you should do this . . .” in the midst of a
baby meltdown.

8. Keep it anonymous.
In many instances, the only thing we don’t like about unsolicited advice is the person giving it. If you or your partner know that certain people can trigger you, consider making a list of people you don’t want to hear from. Then, if someone on your partner’s list starts telling you how to raise your baby, be sure you don’t run home and tell them all about it. Or at least, don’t tell them who said it.

9. Ask permission.
My biggest problem with all this unsolicited advice was that it made me feel like I was receiving it because I was failing as a mom. Many moms have said that they would be much more open to hearing secondhand advice from their partner if they just asked first, instead of unloading without warning. A lot of us handle this better when we’re prepared and in the right headspace. For example, instead of saying, “Someone told me we should do . . . ,” try “I heard an interesting idea. Do you want to hear about it?” Or, if it’s from a trigger person, don’t
mention the source. Even when asking permission, be sure to keep it anonymous if the advice comes from one of your partner’s identified triggers.

10. Stay aligned with each other.
Advice, whether invited or not, can cause problems when one parent wants to try it and the other doesn’t. It’s important to be on the same page to avoid resentment. This is another great conversation to have before your baby is born. What will you do if one of you wants to try something and the other doesn’t? Do you each get a veto? Maybe you both agree to a timeline, such as “We’ll try this if the problem still persists in a week.” It may seem like overkill, but you’ll be happy you put boundaries in place before you find yourselves awake at 3 a.m. with a baby who refuses to sleep. If my husband and I had thought to do that before our son was born, we likely never would have had an argument about me insisting he go to the grocery store in the middle of the night to buy a head of iceberg lettuce. You see, I had become so desperate to get our son to sleep that I was ready to try that infamous lettuce bath my grandma’s neighbor told me about. Unfortunately—or
maybe I should say fortunately—I’ll never know because my husband won that argument.

“Excerpted with permission from Enough About the Baby © 2023 by Becky Vieira. Published by Union Square & Co.”

Becky Vieira is the voice behind the Instagram mom account, @WittyOtter,  where she is leading the shift in the way women speak about motherhood. For more than seven years she has been a go-to writer in the parenting space for popular outlets including BabyCenter and Scary Mommy. Before becoming a writer, Vieira spent more than fifteen years as a publicist for some of the biggest public relations agencies representing major consumer brands, including Mattel’s Barbie®, Disney Consumer Products, and the charitable program Stand Up to Cancer.  She lives in Northern California with her husband and son. Visit: https://www.amazon.com/Enough-About-Baby-Surviving-Motherhood/dp/1454947993