From the Fire to the Frying Pan By: Lori Loesch

Dear God,  I’m sorry for not working hard.  Only You know the reason I do not work hard enough to suit David and Chuck.    I’m sorry I let them bother me, get to me.  Only You Know the reason I endured Ed, Cook, Ann, and now David and Chuck.  David is much better.  He’s not as hard on me as he was.  I thank You, God, for helping him to become more calm and realize things that he needed to see.  

I hate living around them.  They are toxic to my well fair.  They are never satisfied with anyone.  I feel that I am the one that must let everything, they say roll off my back.  Why do  I have to live this way?  Why won’t they change?  Why can’t they accept everyone for who they are and how hard or easy they work?  

                                                                                Toxic Living

My brother in law is 50% of the family business.  He doesn’t think anyone works as hard as him.  I don’t work for the family business, so he has absolutely no right to discuss anything I ‘don’t’ do, but he has since the minute I quit work to raise my first born baby.  He said really nasty things to me as a new mom.  How his friend, Amy, works outside the home and has two kids, and works at night, too.  Well, is she really caring for her children or is someone else?  That I’m just lazy.  Good for her.  That wasn’t David’s and my decision to raise our children.  I lived with a mom that worked outside the home, and I wasn’t going to do that to my kids. 

Let me set the scene… Thanksgiving Day, Chuck called three times and came to the house two or three times.  Yesterday he did the same thing.  He calls the house two to five times a day, everyday.  He walked into our house angry, because the pay checks were not ready when he wanted them.  He started telling us to get a life that we should go shopping like he does on black Friday.  He put me down as a mother.  He always has.  Anyway, I didn’t take it this time.  I am the mousiest person, most of the time, but there have been a few times where I will get into your face, and not back down, no matter how large you are.  Chuck is 6ft. tall and weighs around 25o lbs.  He said that I’m spending (his) money.  I said that it’s my money.  He’s screaming that it’s his money!  I got two inches from his face and wasn’t backing down.  He said that my cable bill is payed out of the business account.  Yes it is because it’s tied to the package deal for the internet.  Should I send him the money, every month for the cable bill?  I told him to take 52% of the money and leave!  

The real point I’d like to make is that the entire time the two of us were yelling at each other, he kept calling me crazy.  “You’re crazy”, he said.  Why is it that  I’m the crazy one and he’s yelling at me as well?  Doesn’t that make him crazy too?  Men have a habit of calling women ‘crazy’ if we don’t do as they say.  I have been called “crazy” and ” there’s something wrong with you”  from my step, adopted dad and mother, to David, to Chuck.  They use it against me to scare me, to keep me down.  I am Cinderella.  Mean step family, beautiful girl held down by the powers that be.  

It’s sad to think that when “they” (I have a list in my head), die;  I will live.  That’s the way I feel because I can’t live around people like I’ve been living with!  David wants to know why the sudden change?  Because I’m 52 years old and I do not want to live like this for the next part of my life.  I’m tired.  I want peace, quiet, friendly, people to be around.  I’ve lived my entire life with angry, jealous, mean people.  

I wish I had a high paying job, to make my own living.  Then I wouldn’t feel like I owe them.  I DO NOT OWE ANYONE, ANYTHING.  I’m going to write this sentence everyday, several times a day, until I believe it.  The work I do is enough, no matter who thinks it isn’t.  I’m tired living around people that call me lazy because I enjoy wildlife and being outside.  I gave up playing with my cats and being outside, because of Chuck and David, calling me lazy.  I hate that word.  I’m not lazy.  I’m an artist, writer, free spirit, and they are crushing me.  I really want to live my life with my daughter.  I’d like to know who I am.  I have been a chameleon, changing who I am to suit the people I live with.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could live my life the way I want to be?  

But…I’m afraid.  David makes me feel that if I divorce him, I will drop off the face of the earth, or worse, I’ll live in a trailer with no money.  Well, if I’m joyful it would be worth it, but I’m still scared.  I’m scared of the horrible divorce that I and my daughter and son will have to endure.  David will fight me, but I think I’m more scared of divorcing Chuck more than David.  We are all connected in the rentals that we own, so Chuck will feel he is being divorced too.  I’ll be taking his money!  I would like to think that David would do the right thing and pay me what I am worth and let Faith and me go, but he won’t.  He and his army of attorneys will rip me a new one.  I will need a real bulldog attorney to fight him.  To fight for my freedom.  I don’t know how to endure this.  Faith, of course, worries, where will we live?  She offered to give me her money that she has, so that we can live.  I don’t want to upset her.  But we are upset now.  I talked to an attorney and he said that it could take 3 to 4 years to get a divorce.  Why?!  Is he trying to make money off the situation?  If anyone has advice for me, I would be grateful to hear it.  I would like a big time attorney to come to my aid and beat the both of them to a pulp, figuratively speaking of course.  The attorney that I talked with, said that I’m living in a cage.  He was appalled by the way I live.  My new, female psychologist, thinks the same.  “What’s wrong with them?”  she said.  

Since I told David that I was getting a divorce, he’s been the nicest, too nice to me.  He follows me around the house.  He kisses and hugs me, like he never did before, so it’s weird.  If I don’t accept his ‘love’ he gets mad and pouts.  He does it to my daughter too.  Chuck’s the same way.  If he calls my son and asks him to stop what he’s working on to run an errand for him, he hangs up the phone calling him an ass hole, if Jules cannot do his bidding.   They just think that what they want trumps what anyone else wants.  No body matters but them.  I hate living like this, yet I’m afraid to leave.  I have heard, how a woman who is severely depressed, leaves her abusive husband and she and her children are happy.  They do not argue as they did when they lived with their dad.  I want this for my daughter and myself.  Raising a daughter, it is important to me that she not end up like me.   I want her to stand up for herself, no matter what.  Speak her mind, even if no one likes it.  My psychologist says that I’m allowed to say anything, as long as it’s not slanderous, that I want. I’ve been told all my life that I shouldn’t have said that, and don’t say that.  Well, F  k them.  I will not be silenced anymore.  

You just don’t know what it’s like living, not as you are, but as everyone wants you to be.  Cinderella, a Chameleon.  Who am I???  Someday I hope God will show me the wonderful, loving, free spirit that I am.  I am still waiting on the Lord.  

Tags: anger, divorce, toxic family living