GOOD KIDS: Why You Suffered in Silence and How to Break the Cycle by Maggie Nick (Book Excerpt)
(With permission by Sheldon Press)
Raising Kids Who Don’t Have To Recover
A question I have to ask myself sometimes is, “When are you going to stop blaming them for needing help, and actually help them?”
When I’ve been taking good care of myself—releasing my feelings and stress instead of bottling it all up—I have the capacity and bandwidth to be the warm, loving parent I want to be, the parent that my kids deserve. Spilled something? “No problem honey, it happens to everyone.” Disrespectful outburst? “It’s okay to be upset. I’ve got you.” I am able to show up with warmth, patience, and empathy, and respond with kindness and understanding because I’m not operating from a place of exhaustion and overwhelm. I have the space to offer my kids space to express themselves and resist what I say or my support, without taking it personally.
But some moments are not like this.
Some days, I struggle to take care of myself. I feel that I don’t have time because I have so much going on. I push the frustration and stress down. Have you ever noticed how our kids push our buttons on days like these? It’s like we can’t catch a freaking break, and it’s coming at us from all sides. But underneath that maddening, “pushing our buttons” behavior is a child who is naturally deeply attuned to our energy, stress level, emotions and mood. They can sense when we’re a volcano about to explode, and it makes them feel unsettled, unstable, and unsafe.
Good Kids
On days like this, I can make them feel like they shouldn’t be struggling, or they should be able to figure it out on their own. Parts of me feel that they should have to “fend for themselves” the way I had to. But I know deep down that needing help is part of being human. And if I want to teach my kids that they’re worthy of support, I have to show them by how I respond—with empathy and patience.
When we shame our kids for struggling, we’re not just criticizing their behavior—we’re blaming them for their humanity. Struggling is an inevitable part of life, especially when they’re learning to navigate big emotions, complex situations, or new challenges. When a child is shamed in these moments, it sends a powerful message that struggling is something to hide, something to be ashamed of. They might internalize the belief that they’re broken for feeling what they’re feeling, and that their needs are a burden to others.
The truth is, in this situation, we’re reflecting our own unresolved shame back onto them. So many of us were raised in environments where our parents responded to our emotional struggles with criticism or dismissal. Now, we often find ourselves repeating this pattern because it’s how we learned to cope. We feel uncomfortable with our child’s distress, not because they are doing anything wrong, but because it reminds us of our own unresolved struggles.
But when we allow ourselves to confront this discomfort and truly support our kids in their struggle, we break that cycle. We teach them that it’s okay to ask for help, that they are worthy of support, and that struggling doesn’t make them unworthy of love or care.
Our kids’ behavior is an extension and reflection of their emotional well-being and nervous system regulation. When they act out, shut down, or withdraw, it’s often a sign that their nervous system is disregulated—something we need to help them with, not shame them for. When we blame them for needing help, we dismiss their inner turmoil as something they should just “get over” on their own. But their struggles are an invitation for us to show up, listen, and provide the support they need.
So when you realize that you’re blaming your kid for needing support, remind yourself that they need your help right now, and do your best to show up to help them without making them feel ashamed for needing the help. Remind yourself that as parents, we are the ones who have the power to create a safe space for our kids to feel what they feel without judgment. The impact of showing up with empathy, instead of blame, can transform their emotional world and, ultimately, their entire life. We owe it to them—and ourselves—to break the cycle and teach them that it’s okay to need help, that it’s okay to struggle, and that their worth is not defined by their ability to do it all on their own.
Maggie Nick is a licensed clinical social worker, trauma therapist, and parenting expert. She is the author of GOOD KIDS: Why You Suffered in Silence and How to Break the Cycle and is widely known for her popular Instagram and TikTok accounts, @maggiewithperspectacles. She holds a Master’s in Social Work from Indiana University and lives near the beach in Florida with her husband, two children, and beloved dogs.
