GUEST BLOG POST: Been there, done that. Now I have two kids. by Zoe Richmond

The Music and Arts Festival Coachella was recently held.  It is a three-day music festival in the Coachella Valley, near Palm Springs, California. Headliners included acts like Guns n’ Roses, LCD Soundsystem and Calvin Harris.

Earlier in the year, my friend was trying to convince me to go.  “No. And hell no, but thanks.”  My 10 pm bedtime and comfortable bed is no match for chugging warm over-priced beer and crashing on a couch.

My friend and I already had that experience.  In 2004, we cracked open our rolodexes in order to go.  A friend of a friend of a friend had parents with a house in the area.  I used all my airline points for a flight.  I even called up an ex-boyfriend to get VIP passes.   We had a blast.  I got to see some of my favorite bands, The Pixies, Radiohead, and The Cure.

The great thing about having those  “once in a lifetime” experiences when you are young is that you don’t yearn for them when you are older.

Unlike some in my social circle, I waited before having children.

Sure, I am still dealing with toddlers, when some of my friends have teenagers.  My husband’s friends are paying college tuition.  He just started changing diapers.

While many in my life tell me that I started too late, I know I started my family at the right time.

It’s difficult not to compare and contrast your life with other mothers.  When comparing my choice to wait to have children, with those who started “right away,” I know I made the right choice.   Sitting around a wine bottle, I get to tell the war stories from my youth.  They get to tell stories about parenting.   I talk about trips to Ireland and France.  They tell stories about their baby’s first tooth.  I tell them about my reactions the first time I had foie gras.  They tell me about the first time they feed their kid a French fry.

While I was climbing the corporate ladder, going to black-tie balls and dating a lot of Mr. Wrongs, my contemporaries were pregnant, dealing with new babies, and getting pregnant again.

The way they lean in when I share my interesting anecdotes makes it seem like they have some sort of “regret.”  The word is never said out loud – regret.   It’s not that they regret getting pregnant when they were younger.  For some of them, it wasn’t an active choice.  And maybe, “regret” isn’t the right word.  Maybe it’s better said in German “tiefe Sehnsucht,” a deep longing.  (When conversations get a bit dark, it’s best to go with German.)  I think, my friends, who became mothers at an early age, carry within them a deep longing for a part of themselves.  In my opinion, they never got a chance to be careless and young.  They missed out on a variety of experiences, both good and bad, that shape you as an individual.  Maybe they had to skip over self-actualization when they had to be laser focused on keeping another human being alive.

There is a certain maturity that comes from the experiences we undertake when we are younger.   Events that sound romantic in your mind, like backpacking through Europe or a three-day concert is “once in a lifetime” because sometimes doing them once is all it takes.  Once you can check it off your list, you are on to the next.  Check off enough youthful activities, and then you are truly ready to settle down and start a family.

Sometimes, my friends will just want to “get all crazy.” They want to go clubbing, do shots, road trip to Vegas.   I stare at them in disbelief and say, “I have an early bedtime.  You are in your forties.  Didn’t you get this out of your system in college?”  Nope, they didn’t get it out of their system when they were younger.  They are trying to have their wild ride now that their kids are old enough to stay home alone all weekend.

Here is an unequivocal truth:  It’s easier to pull an all-nighter and function the next day when you are in your twenties, than when you are in your forties.

At this point in my life, I am not interested in collecting interesting anecdotes about the “crazy time we had last night.”  I already have those memories filed away.  They are good, fun memories.  And once I got done making all my youthful mistakes, once I had enough life experience, I wanted to experience other opportunities.  I wanted to be a mom.

Having children at an older age means that I don’t suffer for the longing of youthful indiscretion.  It means I never had to choose between becoming my own woman and becoming a mother.  I had time to create my story and enjoy my successes outside of mommyhood.  I believe that makes me a stronger, well-rounded wife and mother.

I never had to trade the all-nighter parties for the all-nighter feedings. I got to have both.  And I wouldn’t trade my path to motherhood for anything.

Zoe Richmond left a high-stressed corporate career for a high-stress stay at home mom position.  She runs around all day with her two boys and is a freelance writer once they go to bed.   Contact her at zoerichmond.com.

Tags: aging, having children, later motherhood, matuirity, raising a family, zoe richmond