Guest Blog Post: Book Excerpt: Coming Out of Cage: Journey of a Tiger Mom by E. Way

8 SPECIFIC PARENTING MISTAKES

“The fear of failure which drove me to success also shaped my expectations for my children to be excellent at schools. The eight specific mistakes that I made in raising them could have been avoided had I realized how much a Tiger Mom I was and had I found out what drove me to be a Tiger Mom sooner.”

Mistake #1: Expecting My Children to Perform Equally Well Despite Their Differences
I assumed whatever was good for my son would also be just as good for my daughter. Without considering their differences in age, capabilities, interests, and personalities, I often signed up both children for the same activities and programs. My inconsiderateness of their differences, and unrealistic expectation to hold them to the same level of performance, often made my daughter feel inadequate and insecure.

Mistake #2: Comparing My Children to Each Other
I was also wrong to compare my children to each other, consciously and subconsciously. Not only did I promote sibling rivalry between them, I also helped to condition them in the roles they should play. While my son was expected to play the role of the big brother and continually take the lead and set the example, my daughter was held to a more subordinate role as a follower. To prove her worth and strength, my daughter drove herself really hard and adopted an unhealthy perfectionist attitude.

Mistake #3: Encouraging an Unrealistic Standard of Perfection
Although I could see how overly self-critical my daughter was and how prone she was toward perfectionism, I did not consider it a vice. I actually thought her motivation to aim for excellence was commendable. Instead of teaching her to be content and thankful, I encouraged her to be impractical by stepping in to help her whenever I saw her struggling to attain that lofty goal of perfection. I thought I was helping her build self-confidence, but it only gave her a false sense of accomplishment. She was not be pleased with the result, even if the desired standard was attained, because she would always see the flaws.

Mistake #4: Accelerating My Children’s Growth
Good intention does not make good parenting. Advancing my children by allowing them to skip grades and occasionally assisting them on school projects actually did them a disservice. It robbed them of the opportunity to learn more in depth and details at their own pace. Further, by offering them unsolicited assistance, I was basically impressing on them that I did not trust them to be capable of taking care of themselves.

Mistake #5: Mindlessly Saying Foolish and Hurtful Things
My daughter overheard me say to my son that she was useless behind her back once. I had no recollection as to why or under what context I made such injurious comment that badly crippled her self-worth. The hurtful words were spoken like spilled milk. I could not take them back. Even though I did not mean to hurt her, and very likely said these horrible things out of frustration or impatience at the time, it was not excusable. I should not have put her down under any circumstances.

Mistake #6: Making Major Decisions without Considering the Impact on My Children
Our children might be too young to understand many decisions we make, but if the outcome of the decisions will have a direct impact on them, our children should be included in the process, so they have an opportunity to express their thoughts. Depriving them that opportunity only makes them feel voiceless and helpless, as well as angry and frustrated.

Mistake #7: Burdening the Children with Personal Trials
As a family, we should always be able to share our joys, sorrows, likes, dislikes, successes, failures, hopes, dreams, opinions, and other sentiments with each other honestly and trustingly as a way to show love, give support, and strengthen family unity. However, as a mother, I should be cautious in not over-communicating information, especially things that subject my children to excessive and needless burdens.

Mistake #8: Meddling with My Children’s Lives
As soon as my daughter got into high school at the age of thirteen, we found out that she has scoliosis that would require drastic surgery. I was fraught with guilt, thinking it was my fault she had scoliosis. I wanted to make up for it however I could, but I ended up meddling with her life excessively and compulsively. My frequent unsolicited advice and assistance hugely undermined, disturbed, and confused my daughter.

In my mind, I was helping my children succeed; but in reality, I was helping them get what I wanted, because if my children failed to get into a good college, it would reflect poorly on me as a parent. I did not want to be looked upon as an inadequate mom.

E. Way, author, Coming Out of Cage, came to America with her family from Taiwan at age fifteen for the quality education offered in California. Not to disappoint her parents and herself, she earned her bachelor’s degree from UC Berkeley, a J.D. Law degree from University of San Francisco, and passed the California Bar exam. Her success continued into adulthood. Way is a former school board trustee and current board director for multiple nonprofit organizations. Today, Way lives in San Jose Bay Area, California where she enjoys coordinating events, singing, dancing, walking her dog and playing piano.

Tags: mistakes parents make, raising a chinese child, tiger mom