GUEST BLOG POST: Book Excerpt: MEAN MOMMY by Kerri Louise

A Letter to My Family on Mother’s Day

Dear loving, messy children and wonderful, trying husband,

All I want for Mother’s Day this year is for you ALL to get the hell out of the house and leave me alone. Yes, all of you. Including the dog. Okay, I know we don’t have a dog, but if we did he’s out, too.

I love you all very much. Words can’t describe my undying, unconditional and total love for all of you but, for this Mother’s Day, I want to be left alone for at least 9 hours…maybe even 10.

To my dearest husband, on this special day I don’t want a gift of any kind. I don’t need or want anything except for me to be in our house alone! I don’t want to hear, “Honey,” “Sweetie,” and I don’t want to hear:

“Where’s the car keys?”

“Do WE have sugar in the house?” “Did WE do laundry?”

“Do WE have our trip planned out yet?” When what you’re really trying to say is: “Why are YOU hiding the car keys?”

“What were YOU doing all day that YOU couldn’t get sugar at the store?” “Did YOU do the laundry?”

“Did YOU plan and pack for our vacation yet?”

To my adoring children, I especially don’t want to hear any of these words on Mother’s Day this year:

mommy, mom, mother, maaaha

I want, you’re mean, that’s not fair please mom, pretty please, he did it how come, it wasn’t me, or  I hate you!

I don’t want to hear any whining, crying or begging. That’s why we don’t have a dog. I hate begging.

Mother’s Day is a celebration of the very fact that I am the mother of you three beautiful children. I’m with you every second of every day so everyday is like Mother’s Day to me. Every day is special. Why not change it up a bit and leave mommy alone for just one day so she can reflect on how much she loves you.

Don’t get me wrong, I will miss the breakfast in bed. I will be thinking about the cardboard toast, rubber eggs, and pancakes drenched in syrup. I will miss the hours it takes me to put my kitchen back together again after you three, awesome cooks took it over for one morning. I will miss doing laundry because no matter how careful you are someone always gets syrup all over the sheets. I will miss cleaning up when the oversized cup you found to put the orange juice in spills all over my bedside table.

So this Mother’s Day you don’t have to do any of that stuff. You don’t have to do anything, but get out of the house. Have fun!

LOVE, MOM

P.S. And please, for the love of God, don’t come home with a dog.

Comic Kerri Louise has appeared on Oprah, Dr. Oz, The Howard Stern Show, and The Apprentice. Kerri was a finalist on NBC’s Last Comic Standing and starred in Two Funny, her own reality TV show on The WE Network. Kerri has been featured on Comedy Central, was the warm up comic for The View and performs at top comedy clubs and comedy festivals nationwide. She lives in New York with comedian husband Tom Cotter and their three sons. Buy Mean Mommy today on Amazon! Follow Kerri www.KerriLouise.com.

Tags: kerri louise, mean mommy, Mother's Day