Guest Blog Post: In-Charge Parenting: In a P.C. Nation by Dr. Domenick Maglio (Book Excerpt)

A Measured Level of Fear in Establishing Power

(Excerpt from In-Charge Parenting: In a P.C. Nation)

Parents who do not take the time to teach their children how to become independently responsible are robbing the child of the tools necessary for success. Waiting for one’s child to develop skills, habits, and responsibilities on his own in the short run may appear to display concern, but in reality, it is a shortsighted means of appeasement and pampering. A child needs parents to be in charge to establish the family environment in such a way as to give the child the training needed to face the world head-on without the parents. Imagine a baby bird not prepared by the mother attempting to take off from a perch high up in a tree. This is not a pretty sight, nor is a child without training leaving the family. Either extreme of having too much fear of one’s parent or having no fear of the parent leaves the child unprepared for life. A child who has to look over his shoulder in a fearful way means the child has suffered abuse. This child is unable to be sufficiently relaxed to be himself. On the other hand, a child who commits a destructive act and is not fearful of the parents’ reaction is either being abusive to the parents or indicating to others the parents did not love him enough to discipline him.

All animals train their offspring to help ensure their survival. A mother dog slaps her pups with her paw to redirect the pup’s behavior. This is probably due to instinct passed down from antiquity. The pup’s fear of the mother’s paw sufficiently shapes the pup’s behavior, while our modern parent thinks that fear is a destructive force to the child’s “ego” and must be avoided at all costs. The fear this argument is based on is an exaggerated and abusive use of fear. Extreme fear will be a detriment for training, while a measured use of fear is essential for successful training.

Humans appear to have lost most instinct and rely on a prolonged period of dependency to teach their children cultural knowledge. In many respects, our modern society has increased and at the same time decreased this period of dependency. Young and not-so-young adults live with or return to their parents during their twenties, thirties, and

beyond prolonging this period. A young child, however, is often left on his own and exposed to aggressiveness, sex, and drugs at an earlier age than ever before through social and media interaction. This exposure comes without a corresponding acceleration in emotional maturity.

Is it necessary for the child to have a healthy respect (fear) of the parent? Fear is the best motivational tool parents have in their arsenal. The tone of voice, the facial expression, and the stance of a parent elicit a certain response in a child. A playful voice and smile will encourage the continuation of a particular behavior while a stern voice, piercing eyes, and a firm stance will intimidate a child into changing the offensive behavior. Approximately 85 to 90 percent of all adult communication is nonverbal, and the younger the child, the greater the impact of the nonverbal segment of communicationand the less impact of the verbal part of communication.

Domenick J. Maglio, PhD. has been an educator and psychologist for over 45 years. He is the author of In-Charge Parenting: In a P.C. Nation. His professional career has included time as a school psychologist, university professor, and department head in psychology and education, a clinical psychologist in a state prison, ten years directing a domestic violence counseling program and serving as the director of Open Door for Mental Health Program. For more information, please visit, www.drmaglio.com and connect with him on Twitter, @djmaglio.