GUEST BLOG POST: What You Say Matters by Paul Axtell (book excerpt from Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids)
Excerpt from Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids: Creating the Relationship You Want with the Most Important People in Your Life by Paul Axtell
Photo by Cindy Officer
If you can talk openly and meaningfully about what matters, your relationships will be special. The ability to talk about difficult issues is what distinguishes ordinary relationships from special relationships. Can you talk with your children about things that matter? It’s easy to talk about sports and movies. It’s easy to talk when report cards are full of good grades. It’s easy to talk when you are feeling good about yourself and about the relationship. The question is, can you talk when it’s not going well, when you are upset, or when you really don’t want to?
Most people are raised to avoid conflict, and, as a result, they often lack the skills needed to make relationships special. What do you do when you have a disagreement? Leave it unexpressed and try to go on as though it never happened? Seethe and simmer until you explode? Or take the time and energy to have the uncomfortable conversation—expressing yourself and listening to the other side—and get to a place of agreement or mutual understanding? To create truly meaningful relationships, it’s essential to be able to raise issues and discuss them until everyone is satisfied with the outcome.
When children are small, it’s easier to demand they do what you want them to do. As children grow older, you realize your ability to control their behavior disappears. So the sooner you start talking your way through situations, the better. If you start early—almost before you think they can understand what you are saying—it sets the stage for being able to talk things through as they get older.
It’s not just about the words you choose. It’s about learning to communicate in a way that builds connections instead of walls.
In fact, this is part of Deborah Tannen’s view of conversation: You are either communicating with each other in a way that creates relationship, or you are interacting in a way that dominates or erodes the relationship. Simply reflecting on your recent conversations and thinking about these ideas will make a difference. You’ll begin to notice and adjust your tone of voice, how you say things, and perhaps even how you look when you are interacting with your kids. If you want to come across as supportive, you will.
You might be too young to remember The Ed Sullivan Show, but he once had a guest who balanced plates on top of poles and set them spinning—something like eight or nine plates all spinning at once. As long as he could run over to plates that were beginning to wobble and give them a spin, he could keep adding plates. It’s a good metaphor for life and relationships. We tend to think of our family relationships as always there, always fine—never needing attention. Perhaps if we found a way to remind ourselves that our most important relationships are like those spinning plates—they need some attention to keep spinning—then we would make time to read with the kids or ask them to talk to us about what matters or plan date nights with our partners. Different relationships need different kinds of attention. You know your family. You know what each person likes to do. You know what each might ask for. And if you aren’t sure, just ask.
Paul Axtell has two adult children and 13 grandchildren in his blended family. He also has over 35 years of experience as a personal effectiveness consultant and corporate trainer. He has spent the last 15 years designing and leading programs that enhance individual and group performance within large organizations. He has a wide variety of clients, from Fortune 500 companies and universities to nonprofit organizations and government agencies. Visit http://tenpowerfulthingstosay.com/ and http://paulaxtell.com/.
Tags: being a father, having children, later motherhood, parenting, paul axtell, raising a family, tem powerful tings to say to your kids
