I Would Like to Thank the Academy by Andrea Santo Felcone

Sometimes two thoughts that appear unrelated combine in my head. Like, say, when these two cozied up: “Mothering can be a thankless task” happened to partner with: “Gee, I wonder when the Oscars are on?” See, I really love a good Awards Show. There’s something about that red carpet, those celebrities, the glitz, the glam–the acceptance speeches–even the bad ones. Admittedly, I could watch an Awards Show about anything.

So, while daydreaming about Awards season (my Super Bowl) I was reminded how some–not all, but some–of my mothering tasks have taken on a “thankless” quality. Anyway, rather than waiting to be thanked and getting annoyed when I wasn’t…. What if? … There was an Awards Show to thank Moms for all those things that may go unnoticed. (Yes, Mother’s Day is lovely, but why wait until May?)

And, follow me here, what if, in this Awards Show, I were to win a category. (Hey, it’s my crazy daydream, so why not?) Let’s see how this would play out…. Cue the music as dishwashing-rubber gloves magically transform into elbow-length satin.… The camera pans around a room filled with exquisitely-dressed Moms all gathered–in an event that has magically organized itself–to celebrate their achievements.

“Unexpectedly,” my name is called….

“Wow … me? I can’t believe this is happening. Such an honor. I would like to thank the Academy … The Academy of Mothering Arts and Sciences for bestowing on me this distinguished award. “Best Actress in a Recurring Role,” I never dreamed I’d win. I knew my work in “Reminding the Kids to Brush Their Teeth–Again” was perhaps the best I’d ever done, (you know when you can just sense “magic” on the set), but I never would have thought it–award-winning. It means so much to know I’ve added to the Mothering Community in this way. Let me see, I did have some notes…. Oh, yes …

I am indebted to my Director who taught me to “dig deep” as reminding the kids to brush daily can seem monotonous, but, if I did it–with feeling—that would make all the difference. Thank you, too, for your advice to “change it up”. That key phrase: “Did you brush your teeth?” mixed with “Hey, what is it I always say at 7:15 a.m.? Yeah; do that.” I’m sure that contributed to this win. And, Academy, thank you for noticing that pivotal scene: the subtle way I nudged my kids into the bathroom and nodded toward their dry toothbrushes. (“Improv” born of sheer desperation).

I do, of course, realize the competition was stiff this year, as the other nominees—EVERY. MOTHER. EVERYWHERE—contributed amazing work in this category. But, I am grateful that I was able to “pull it out” (no tooth pun intended) for the win. Oh, what was my “motivation”? Well, the fact that I would have to pay for their fillings—was inspiration enough. Now, with this honor, I look forward to any future projects that may come my way, like starring roles in: “Are Those Socks Clean?” and, “Have You Done Your Homework?” But, before I get carried away …

I would be completely remiss if I didn’t mention the “little guys” … my tireless support system. I don’t know if these guys qualify as “a village,” but I really couldn’t have done it without them….

I’d like to start with My Agent: COFFEE: Although he may be embarrassed, (he’s more of the strong, silent type), I have to thank him for his “get up and go” attitude. I would be nothing without his perky, warm encouragement.  It’s sometimes a grind; but he always makes it worth it.

My Personal Assistant: CROCK-POT: You already know how I feel about you. When I stood at the Thanksgiving table and admitted you were the only reason my family and I were still alive. I realize your work can be long, sometimes you log 8 … 10 … 12 hour days, but without you, I wouldn’t have had the strength to play this part.

Who am I wearing? Um, I don’t understand the question. Who did my make-up? Sorry, still not sure what you mean. Anyway, if I could get back to my speech …

Oh, I see, time is running out. And, last, but definitely not least, I’d like to thank my children, of course, for actually brushing their teeth, and giving this story a happy ending. Everyone loves a happy ending.

One last thing, if I could just give a quick “shout-out” to a Mom friend who won for “Best Costume Design” for her stitching work in “Scouting Badges, Hidden Pain.” (Although healing nicely, she’s sorry she couldn’t be here tonight.) She’s looking forward to her next design project—(although I haven’t the nerve to tell her the “Pinewood Derby” isn’t a hat). Poor darling.

That’s all for me. Thank you again for this most distinguished and completely unexpected honor.”