Lighthouse Parenting by Dr. Kenneth R. Ginsburg (Book Excerpt)

An excerpt from Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child With Loving Guidance for a Lifelong Bond by Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS, FAAP, published by American Academy of Pediatrics.

Strong reactions (of any kind) shut down communication

The hard work of listening begins by avoiding communication traps that give your feelings away too easily. Children may stop talking when parents fill in the space with words or react too quickly. The first trap to avoid is the “parent alarm,” driven by fear that your child is in danger. You may jump to the rescue before you’ve understood the issue. “Mom, Liam is being mean to me,” may trigger you to respond with, “He’s a bully, I’m calling his parents.” This reaction would miss the opportunity to hear why your child’s feelings were hurt in their own words. It may not be bullying at all but an opportunity to learn what your child is sensitive about. If there is bullying, the story will still unfold if you withhold your initial reaction. When your internal parent alarm blares, instead of going into rescue or fix-it mode, allow your child to problem-solve with your guidance.

Alarm signals can be triggered when our own experiences generate fear that our child may relive pain we’ve experienced. Hardships you’ve endured may have earned you the right to assume the worst, but it won’t help you parent. Ask yourself, “Am I reliving my own experience? Do I really know what is going on here?” Then remind yourself that you can be most helpful if you learn what is going on first. This might be enough to quiet your racing mind and give you the strength to pause and listen.

Strong displays of empathy can also shut down communication. If your child believes they are causing you sadness or pain, they’ll stop sharing out of fear of hurting you. This may be especially true if you’ve had a difficult or challenging life, and your child (no matter the age, trust me) feels a need to protect you. Sometimes we express empathy by jumping in to take our child’s side. You might agree their teacher is unfair or their friend doesn’t deserve them. The problem here is that their feelings may be fleeting and they may just need a moment to vent. But when you jump in too quickly, you lock them into a position they might have trouble retreating from or may be too embarrassed to tell you they know they messed up. Critically, as we discussed in Chapter 5, they may hold back in the future from coming to you when they need you the most out of fear of being rejected, just as they see you quickly taking sides against—or rejecting—someone who has hurt them. Ask, “What will be most helpful here? Do you just need to share what happened, or do you want me to think this through with you?”

Praise feels nice but can be a communication trap because it’s still judgment even if the judgment is good. A sensitive young person could create an internal message after being praised: “This is what I must do to please my parent, and if I don’t, I’ll disappoint, be judged, or feel rejected by them.” Use praise to share how pleased you are that they’re talking more than focusing on the specific content they’re saying. Also, praise the effort it took them to accomplish something. Say something like, “You worked hard and I’m proud.” Avoid, “You make me proud when ________,” because the underlying message might feel like, “You might not make me proud if you don’t ___________.”

Be a sounding board

Parents often struggle to find the right words when their children are in distress. They worry their advice will not fit or their words will offer little comfort. Don’t worry about providing solutions. Be there. Show up. Be a sounding board and help them work through it. When you choose to be a sounding board, you reinforce that your child is the expert in their own life and that the solutions reside within them. This is true even for a young child and especially true for a teen. What changes is the depth of their insight and the level of guidance they require. People of any age (even you!) who are stressed operate on survival mode driven by emotions, rather than on problem-solving mode. When we serve as a sounding board, we create the safe space and comfort that allows children to destress. Operating from a calmer place, they can access their internal wisdom at a pace that suits them and invite us to offer them the lessons life has given us.

You are a sounding board when you create a space free from interruptions or reactive judgment. You offer guidance when asked and allow your child’s ideas to bounce around in your presence. This space allows their thoughts to become organized and to consider how their plans could play out. Not reacting is the hardest thing you might do as a parent. But the stability you offer with your nonjudgmental presence is precisely what offers the security for them to access their own wisdom and comfortably express their thoughts and feelings.

We usually think of a sounding board as something that allows words to bounce off. But many children may not express themselves best through words. Your child may be more of an artist or a performer, revealing their thoughts and feelings through nonverbal expression. Listen with the same level of intensity and passion as you would with well-formed words or expression of tears.

Avoid the communication trap of telling them precisely how you interpret their artistic expression. Ask clarifying questions like, “When you show me _______________ (ie, art, music, dance, or another creation) it makes me feel deeply. What does it do for you?” Even with this prompting, your child may not be able to express their thoughts through words. Be satisfied if they learn that their expression engaged you. Knowing you appreciated them sharing will hopefully motivate them to continue revealing themselves. 

But wait, doesn’t a good parent judge?

A parent should always be assessing for safety and determining how they should guide their child. They should also have values they hope their child will care about and behaviors they desire their children follow. The focus on being nonjudgmental does not suggest you shouldn’t convey high standards. When your child was 3 and saw the world as good or bad, it was precisely your clear instructions that molded them. Your older child should also know your rules about behavior.

It is of unparalleled importance, however, that your child never fears losing you because you’ve judged something they’ve done, thought, or felt. It must be clear to them that you will always accept your child. Withholding judgment is a communication strategy that allows you to hear the full story. Once you reveal judgment, your child may stop sharing their experiences and often shut down. After you’ve heard their story and are grounded in an understanding of what is going on, then ask permission to share your thoughts. If you’ve listened fully, your child will be ready to access your wisdom and experience.

When we listen, we create a safe space for the person being heard. This is always nice, but is critically important when the other person may be feeling insecure or experiencing emotional pain. If your relationship is to endure for decades, your child should learn that your guidance is helpful in navigating their struggle and that you being a safe person in their life—one who will never reject them—is unquestioned.