Motherhood is a B#tch! 10 Steps to Regaining Your Sanity, Sexiness, and Inner Diva by Lyss Stern with Sheryl Berk (Book Excerpt)
Train Your Kids
“Motherhood is nonstop madness, emotionally unpredictable in ways you’ve never imagined. It is often thankless and faceless, and if you’re doing your job right, your kids shouldn’t even notice 99% of the time that they have an excellent parent. They push as hard as they can, and it’s our job to push back, because the world does not suffer fools easily and the consequences in real life are enormous compared to any limits, controls, or punishments we can set as parents.”
—Veronica Webb
Each of my children has their own big, bold personality. Jax wants to play for MLB and can’t understand why school needs to interfere with practice. But Blakey, my baby, is the most independent one of all. I’m convinced she’s the reincarnation of my grandmother, a beauty with a personality like no other who knows what she wants and won’t take no for an answer. I adore each and every one of them for who they are, even if they do have a knack for pushing my buttons. I try to be a cool mom and not nag incessantly, but sometimes there’s no way around it. I’m not asking for that much, simply to be treated as I treat them: with love, devotion, and sympathy whenever they ask for it. You got a boo-boo? Mommy will kiss it better. If Mommy’s got a boo-boo (i.e., a splitting migraine), can we please keep the noise down to a dull roar?
Beyond that, it’s simply a matter of communication: this is how it’s gonna go because Mom rules the roost. I suggest creating 10 Commandments for Kids and displaying them prominently on the fridge. When you’re eighteen and no longer living under my roof, we’ll talk. But for now:
- Do your best every day in every way. That means being honest, good, and caring people.
- Be respectful to your parents—no mouthing off or declaring how annoying we are. We gave you life; you owe us big-time.
- Be a kind and gentle sibling: don’t beat up your sister/brother. I don’t care if she/he started it. Blood is thicker than Hershey’s syrup.
- Be polite—no belching, farting, or picking your nose in public, unless you really can’t help it. Say please, thank you, and excuse me. They’re not dirty words.
- Do your homework by the time it’s due (not a few days later). Even if you have to miss the season finale of America’s Got Talent (that’s what TiVo is for).
- Be a team player and a good sport . . . and carry your own equipment. I’m Wonder Woman, not “bat girl.”
- Clean up after yourselves—mom is not your maid, and you can all make your beds after you sleep in them. Dirty laundry goes in the laundry bag, and your plates go in the sink. Your brother’s head does not go in the toilet.
- Lend a hand. That means when your mother is freaking out and on the edge of a breakdown, ask what you can do to help her. Do your chores without breaking into the chain gang song from Les Mis. (Ollie, you know who I’m talking to.)
- Be responsible. If I say, “Text me when you get to Billy’s house,” I mean it. If I tell you to hold your little sister’s hand on the beach, don’t leave her at the edge of the ocean to go boogie boarding. Put the seat down after you pee so I don’t fall in. Is that too much to ask?
- Be you. Never lose sight of who you are and what makes you unique and special. I gave birth to three incredible kids who will grow up to be three incredible adults. I may yell, threaten, and nag, but I love you with all my heart and soul.
Set your boundaries
Just like children, moms need time-outs every day. A happy mom equals a happy family. My kids need to understand that I have a life outside of them; most of my world may revolve around their every whim and whine, but a tiny percentage has to be for me, me, me. For some reason, this never goes over well.
Someone either clings to my ankle as I’m trying to get out the door (usually not the little one), or texts me every ten seconds once I’ve left. I’m entitled to meet a friend for coffee, a client for lunch, and their father for a date night. If this interferes with their plans, I’m sorry, but it’s nonnegotiable. Grandma, dad, or a sitter can be on call for two hours. I promise, you will not die if someone other than the woman who bore you has to tuck you into bed.
Kids will naturally push back when you make them do something they don’t want to do (which is just about anything I ask). You’re trying to rein them in, and they want to be independent. I get it, and independence is a good thing, but not when your toddler is determined to style her own hair and you’re late to a pediatrician appointment. I tell fellow moms they need to be realistic: your child is not perfect. They are going to screw up, be fresh, freak out. On a recent trip to grandma’s house, the back seat erupted into World War III: crying, yelling, and kicking. Unless you have nerves of steel or noise-canceling headphones, you’re going to have to grit your teeth and listen to their griping. You know you want to scream about the tra c, too. At least someone should be allowed to vent.
However, that doesn’t mean you have to stand for any disrespect. I want my kids to have fun with me. We frequently have our own date days/nights when we go to a show, a movie, or a cool new ice cream place in the city. But I make something perfectly clear to them: I’m your mother, not your buddy. My job is to guide you as you go through this world until you are old enough to make it on your own. That means setting limits and reminding you when you don’t adhere to them. Sass me once, good for you. Sass me twice, you’re grounded. When I was a teenager and opened a fresh mouth, my parents took the phone out of the wall (can you imagine, a phone with a cord?). With my own teen and tween, the iPhone gets hidden away or the Xbox goes in the closet. And I mean business. There is no negotiating; you get it back when I say you get it back.
The key to making any and all of the above work is teamwork; your hubby has to be your VP, nodding his head, even when you say ridiculous things: “That’s right, whatever Mommy says goes.” You and your spouse may not 100 percent agree on every aspect of parenting, but you should seem like you do, at least to your kids. Mine try and pit us against each other: “But mom, dad said . . .” No, dad didn’t say it (if he did, he better take it back if he knows what’s good for him). You have to parent in sync, backing each other up at all times. I tell my hubby that we are a team—it’s us against them—and teammates stick together. Where would pitcher Noah Syndergaard be without closer Jeurys Familia? The Mets metaphor does wonders.
Lyss Stern is a mom-of-three, and the CEO/Founder of Diva Moms – a national, NYC-based network and event company with a database of millions of moms. This year, DivaMoms will hold its 5th Annual Mom Mogul Breakfast with high powered panelists including Veronica Webb and Melissa Ben-Ishay of Baked by Melissa. Lyss’ first book, “If You Give a Mom a Martini,” was recently optioned to become a motion picture, and featured contributions from celeb moms including Kelly Ripa and Christie Brinkley. Lyss is also co-creator of the new NickMom short-form series “Story Time for Moms” and the Scripps Networks short-form series “Bad Moms in History”. Lyss prioritizes giving back to the community and is involved in the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF), the R Baby Foundation, the Pediatric Cancer Foundation, and runs Camp Divalysscious at the OCRF’s Super Saturday in Southampton each summer.
