Same Page Parenting by Martina Nova (Book Excerpt)
Excerpted from Same Page Parenting by Martina Nova. Copyright © 2026 Ulysses Press. Reprinted with permission from Ulysses Press. New York, NY. All rights reserved.
REIMAGINING GENDER ROLES AND FAMILY STRUCTURES
Parenthood brings us face-to-face with the gender roles and expectations we’ve internalized from families, culture, religion, and society. For many of us, these expectations come from deeply ingrained “invisible scripts” that have shaped how we think about relationships, responsibilities, and family life. By reimagining these roles, we give ourselves permission to create a dynamic that reflects our values, strengths, and goals, instead of solely the expectations of others.
Understanding the Psychology Behind Gender Roles and Family Expectations
“Invisible scripts” influence everything, from who manages household tasks to how parenting responsibilities are divided, often creating friction when these roles no longer align with modern values or circumstances. Research highlights the impact of traditional gender roles on emotional labor, the often invisible work involved in managing family needs, like remembering doctors’ appointments or planning birthday parties. When one partner carries a disproportionate share of this emotional labor, it can lead to resentment or burnout.
Why Reimagining Gender Roles Matters
Challenging and reimagining traditional gender roles helps you honor the values that resonate with you and your partner while releasing those that don’t. This process often requires open communication, empathy, and flexibility. By building a dynamic that respects individual contributions and strengths, families can foster an environment where both parents and children thrive. This chapter explores strategies for redefining roles, balancing emotional labor, and navigating external expectations from family and society. My hope is that these pages will encourage you to craft a family dynamic that is authentic, collaborative, and empowering for everyone involved.
Challenging Traditional Gender Roles
Growing up, my mother was the heart of our home’s routines and gatherings. She was the cook, the organizer, the one who made every holiday and birthday feel special. She stayed home with my sister and me for the first handful of years while my father worked to support us. It was the dynamic I’d known and come to expect as “normal” family life, a balance I respected and valued. Naturally, as I got older, I assumed that my own family would follow a similar path, with distinct roles where I might handle the day-to-day needs of our kids and home while my partner focused on bringing home the money to sustain us all. But when my ex-husband and I became parents, it became clear that the traditional roles my parents had modeled didn’t fit us as well as we thought they might.
I had a career I loved as a therapist, one that felt important to me beyond just financial reasons, and my ex was just as committed to being present for our children as I was. Honestly, we both wanted “in” on parenting in a way that didn’t divide us into separate lanes. That sounded nice in theory, but in practice it meant a lot of messy trial-and-error, who’s packing daycare lunches, who’s getting up for night wakings, who’s taking the afternoon off when a kid is sick. We wanted to build a balance that worked for our strengths and values, not just what we had been taught or expected. This shift led to some challenging but necessary conversations, including one that stands out with my mother. After our first child was born, I was ready to return to work sooner than she’d expected, and she gently questioned my choice. Her concerns were rooted in genuine love and from her own experience of staying home with us for those early years. “Are you sure you’re ready?” she asked, adding that her years at home had been essential in her experience as a parent. Her words landed in my chest, part guilt, part defensiveness. I wanted her approval, but I also wanted to trust my gut. I appreciated her perspective and felt grateful for the foundation she gave us, yet I realized that our family was going to have its own, unique balance, a dynamic where both parents would fully engage in raising the kids and nurturing careers, even if it looked different from what we were raised with.
Challenging traditional gender roles used to mean figuring out how to share work, parenting, and emotional labor under one roof. We both worked, traded off daycare drop-offs, and tried to divide responsibilities in a way that felt fair, even when it wasn’t perfect. I often carried more of the emotional side, checking in, smoothing things over, and keeping everyone steady, while he took on other roles like managing finances or taking care of the car and home. Since our marriage ended, that balance looks different, but the spirit of it remains. Now, as single parents, we each do it all in our own ways. I’m the one fixing what breaks, taking care of money, and being the loud, playful parent who runs around and is silly. He’s the one cooking, tidying, and offering warmth and emotional comfort when our kids need it. Our children get to see both of us stretch beyond old roles, and that’s its own kind of radical act showing them that love, care, and capability don’t belong to just one parent or one gender.
Martina Nova is a registered clinical counselor, trauma-informed therapist, speaker, and author based in British Columbia, Canada. She specializes in ADHD, attachment wounds, people-pleasing, early trauma, and the emotional realities of motherhood and relationships. Martina is the founder of NovaCare Therapy and regularly speaks at conferences, writes educational material for clinicians and parents, and creates practical, compassionate resources. She is also the author of Supporting Your Partner Postpartum and Therapy Buddy. Originally from Slovakia, Martina immigrated to Canada as a child. She is also a mother of two, blending clinical expertise with lived experience to help people feel seen, supported, and more connected. Find her online at novacaretherapy.ca and on Facebook and Instagram (@novacaretherapy).
