Saying “YES” by Andrea Santo Felcone

“Saying yes … saying yes is courage. Saying yes is the sun. Saying yes is life.” 

—Shonda Rhimes, “Year of YES”

I’m always so suggestible at the hairdresser’s. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the fresh haircut signifying the promise of a fresh start? Maybe it’s the chance to “hit the reset button” every six weeks? Whatever the reason, it’s always at the salon where I make my vow to try something new. Admittedly, these ideas come to me from the pages of glossy celebrity magazines.

One year Marisa Tomei and her “HoopBody” DVD caught my eye. Marisa looked so happy “hooping her way to fitness”. So, I caved, purchased the DVD and hoop and voilà, I was able to beat my childhood hula hooping record (of two minutes). (How often in adulthood are you able to “better” your childhood self?) But, alas, the hoop and I have parted ways after this initial “rush”.

Then early last year, I found Shonda Rhimes calling to me from inside PEOPLE magazine. Shonda (of “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Scandal” fame) was promoting her book, “YEAR OF YES”, and wanted to tell me that she, too, lets fear stop her from experiencing a fully-rich life. Shonda wanted me to know that if I just started saying “YES” as often as possible, life would open up in unexpected ways.

Shonda had struck a nerve. She’d caught me in the middle of a wash, cut, color, and mid-life “review”. I’d been taking stock of my life and feeling restless. I wouldn’t label this a “mid-life crisis” (labels are so limiting). But, there were frequent reminders that life was short, and I was well-aware that my anxiety was restricting me. If anyone tracked me from an aerial view, they would’ve seen a path not more than one square mile in length on any given day.

I needed change. So, I took my “We’ll See” personality and started baby-stepping my way into “YES”. I began consciously saying “YES” to invitations to meet new people and try new things, even new scary things. And immediately, I noticed, when you say “YES”–your universe expands. One “YES” leads to the next, and another invitation appears. The invitations are everywhere. It can be overwhelming when you actually start to pay attention.

It was going well. And then I struggled. I fell off the “YES” wagon. I retreated back into my comfort zone: “the box”.  But “the box” was feeling small and claustrophobic now that I knew what “YES” could do. “We’ll See” was sticking like a dry lump in my throat. Tired of hugging the corners, I wanted the magic that happens with “YES”. And then I remembered the one “YES” I’d been putting off. The one “YES” that felt too silly and too “not me” to even consider.

Because, here’s what “YES” taught me: when you tell the universe you are now saying “YES” to everything–the universe ups the ante.

The universe is listening and rewards you with new friendships, experiences … and a school-fundraiser Tricky Tray basket. And deep inside that basket, beyond the yoga classes and mat, there’s another invitation from the universe … (and, the universe, well, she has a wicked sense of humor) …

There are … BELLY DANCING LESSONS in that basket.

O.K. fine, I had to say “YES” to belly dancing. For this, I needed moral support and convinced a dear friend to join me. When I proposed this idea to her initially, she muttered, “Why did I know your year of “YES”, would become my year of “YES”? She wasn’t happy. But, being a great friend, she rallied, and we went.

We met our instructor, and this woman, full of colors and light and serenity and patience (just like she should be), begins by teaching us “snake arms”.  My right arm looks decent, but the left, looks like roadkill. I try not to judge myself in the full-length mirror, the floor-to-ceiling mirror I have not confronted since childhood ballet classes.

I find myself falling back into old patterns: overthinking instructions and judging myself. My figure-eight hip circles are figure-sixes, at best. I’m apparently using my “hip flexors” and not my intrinsic belly muscles (which I doubt I actually have, as I’ve never seen evidence of them before this). I adjust my “hot pink coin-bedazzled hip scarf” (they were generous at the Tricky Tray) and try to relax. My mind wanders. The color of the walls and the focus on the inner belly only makes me wish for some kind of delicious Indian curry—oh, yeah, right, back to the “snake arms”.

And then, I look to my left, where I now notice my friend has a big smile on her face and she is actually pretty good at this. But better yet, SHE DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE HOW SHE’S DOING. My friend has said “YES” to the music, the place, the moment–she is enjoying everything. I take a nod from her and relax into the music and stop the judging and start to smile. The teacher is amazing. The place is fun. The cares of the day are melting away. I realize I could love this, or at least “deeply like” this. This could be my secret life (not that I went in here looking for one). Stay-at-home mom by day; belly dancer by night … or at least in the early evenings (when my son doesn’t have baseball practice).

We spin … we try some more complicated footwork and things I still don’t know what they’re called. I may have found an intrinsic muscle (or at least I think I will when I try to get out of bed the next day). But, as we are spinning and spinning and the hip scarves are jangling away, I realize—secret life or not–there is no room in “the box” for “snake arms” and “figure-eight hips” and “lotus flower fingers” and anything else exotic and life-affirming.

I will try harder to hear the invitations. I will try to say “YES” more often, more easily. “YES” to the new things I can experience, the new people I can meet. And, “YES” we will go back … because it’s “Hoopdance” class next … and I promised Marisa Tomei I would give that another try.

Tags: yes; mid-life change; trying new things