The Bonus Family Handbook by Jann Blackstone, PsyD (Book Excerpt)

Acceptance: Embrace your differences. You do not have to have similar likes and dislikes or be friends to have a successful counterpartner relationship. Look for common ground but embrace your differences. That is acceptance in its truest form. You need not be too familiar. In the beginning, being polite and cooperative is all that is required. As your acceptance improves, you may build a friendship, but that is not the final goal. The final goal is to be a supportive and reliable person on whom all can depend.

This is not a competition. On so many levels, from worrying that they are a better parent to a better lover, counterpartners can easily fall into a comparison trap, and it is emotional sabotage for everyone concerned. Don’t compare, don’t compete, and don’t fret over past intimacies. The key here is to remember when you are comparing, you are comparing what you think about the person to what you think about yourself. It’s a closed conversation that sets you up for failure. Strive for your own sense of self and hold your head high. A secure person is the most attractive of all.

Find your niche. Many co-parents and their bonus counter- parts with whom I have worked don’t have a clear sense of their individual responsibilities. As a result, they can easily step on each other’s toes and feel undermined by the other. Finding your niche means finding something you do well and offering that to the children—not in competition with your counterpartner, but as a way each of you can offer your best to the children.

For example, I am a perpetual student. I am constantly signing up for classes in something. Therefore, my helping the kids with their homework came naturally. Their mother, on the other hand, was not a student and had a difficult time making them buckle down to do their homework. Instead, she instilled in the kids a pride in their appearance. She was the one to make sure the kids had regular teeth cleanings and haircuts when they were little. The times we unconsciously crossed over to each other’s niche, the kids did not get as good a grade on the report, and Steven went back to her home with the haircut from hell. Each of us was furious with the other when we crossed over into the other’s territory. So, we assigned each other responsibilities and respected that was their job to complete without interference.

Here’s an important caveat to that point, however. One dad told me, “My kid’s bonus dad cares for my son. I know it. I can see it in his face when he talks to him, and truthfully, I am appreciative that my child is safe with him. But he just tries too hard. He is always the first one to volunteer, whether it’s as soccer coach or to organizing a kid event. I’d call to volunteer, and he had already put his name in. I had to finally explain to him that while I appreciated his devotion, he needed to bring it down a notch. Include me, don’t ace me out, or we were going to have problems. He appreciated that I just came out and told him what was on my mind. Now he and I have an understanding. This year I am the soccer coach and just yesterday I got a phone call. He asked if he could be an assistant coach. He asked. So far, so good.”

Respect: Cultivate mutual respect. Respect must be earned; it just doesn’t happen. But take note, I said, “cultivate mutual respect.” That means baby steps. So, for our purposes, the word “cultivate” means “slowly move toward respect by using small gestures.” Just as you would plant a small seed, water it, and watch it grow, building a relationship with your counterpartner is a slow but rewarding process. Allow your interaction to grow slowly into a cordial relationship. Don’t push yourself before you are ready. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither are bonus families.

Ask their opinion. I have used “ask their opinion” as a tool to initiate compromise in my business relationships, co-parenting relationships, friendships, and even smoothing things over with my own children. When communication breaks down, ask their opinion.

My co-parenting sessions are all on Zoom these days and the parents appear before me on two separate windows. I don’t only work with co-parents. Sometimes I meet with just the coun- terpartners—bio and bonus. The issue at hand for the following clients, Gloria and Madeline, was that there was a problem at school. Gloria’s son was suspended for throwing a rock and break- ing a window. Madeline was off from work that day and got a phone call asking the child to be picked up. Gloria didn’t get a call. This had occurred previously, as well, and Gloria was furious when that happened. Because of Gloria’s reaction in the past, Madeline was afraid to call her. She just knew she would lose her temper.

Ironically, this event happened in the afternoon prior to our appointment, and it was the first time these counterpartners had spoken about the incident. It was a safe environment and so Madeline felt safe volunteering that she had to pick up the child from school early. Gloria did start to get angry, but I instructed her to stop, take a breath, and let Madeline explain. Madeline explained and then asked Gloria, “How would you handle this, Gloria, if Scotty was at your house this week?”

I don’t think Gloria could believe her ears. The fact that her counterpartner asked for her opinion completely overshadowed the fact that the school hadn’t called her. Madeline looked at the camera so I could take note. “I’m completely sick to my stom- ach right now. I was so sure she would be angry at me.” Gloria then explained how she would handle it. They had a very similar approach. They were both surprised by the outcome.

I asked Gloria why this time was different. She laughed and said, “You’re watching.” But then she snickered, “She asked my opinion. She’s never done that before.”

If you are not sure how to handle a situation about the chil- dren, consider asking your counterpartner what they would do in the same situation. Many are afraid to ask because they feel it gives up control to the very person with whom they are struggling for power. Understandable, but it also breaks down walls, and it is an excellent vehicle to open a discussion about how to ensure rules are consistent from house to house. Asking your counterpartner’s opinion is a simple way to put the relationship on a new and more equal footing.

Dr. Jann Blackstone specializes in child custody, co-parenting, divorce, and step family mediation. She is the author of multiple books on divorce, remarriage, and co-parenting, including Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce and Separation, Ex-Etiquette for Weddings, Ex-Etiquette for Holidays, and My Parents are Divorced, Too. Dr. Blackstone is also the founder of Bonus Families, a 501 c3 non-profit organization dedicated to peaceful coexistence between divorced or separated parents and their combined families. Her new book is The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-Parenting and Creating Stronger Families. Learn more at bonusfamilies.com.