The Last Parenting Book You’ll Ever Read by Meagan Francis (Book Excerpt)
Share, but self-protect.
It’s a sad but incontrovertible fact that not everyone in your inner circle is going to be the right person to talk to about what’s going on in your family. We all bring our own upbringing, experiences, expectations, and biases to our relationships, and I’ve found that sometimes the people I hope will be able to provide the right kind of support in a specific situation simply can’t. It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship isn’t as close as I thought, only that we are coming from such different places that their advice or perspective creates confusion or harm rather than confidence and help.
My personal litmus test: if I constantly feel on the defensive while discussing my kid with a specific person—if they seem dismissive of my concerns or critical of my parenting, if they speak harshly about my child in a way that seems over-the-top or inaccurate, or if they persist in telling me what they would do in my situation (I promise, they have no idea what they would do in my situation) or in giving advice that my gut tells me misses the mark—I will shift future mentions of that child to only positive, vague, “just the facts” updates and quickly change the subject when questions are asked.
Remember, whatever we choose to share about our children is up to us. We can share because it helps us feel better and less alone. We can share because we need advice or an outsider’s perspective. Or, we can share because we feel the other person is in a position to help us, or our child, cope with what’s going on. But we don’t ever owe it to anyone to share what’s happening with our kid just because they asked, even if that person is a close friend or family member. Save your most private sharing for confidants who give solid advice, offer real help, and, most of all, increase your sense of peace and confidence.
And keep an open mind: in the end, you may be surprised at who those people turn out to be.
Watch what you say about other people’s kids.
Creating an environment of trust is a two-way street. Hey, I’m only human: occasionally I participate in a little schadenfreude-laced “Can you believe what so-and-so’s kid did?” gossip with my besties—particularly when the “so-and-so” in question is a queen of sanctimony. But I very often regret it afterward. The way I see it, any judgment I lob toward some child whose mother isn’t in the room could also apply to a child whose mother is in the room—either right now or sometime in the future. It could be one of my best friends’ kids; maybe one day it’ll be my kid.
Now, again, I’m only human, and I’m not promising I’ll never discuss other people’s struggles with my friends. I read a theory recently that states that gossip may serve an evolutionary purpose, helping us to bond and protect ourselves from the future bad behavior of others. I think there’s a lot of value in keeping other community members aware of what’s happening around us and analyzing community drama with the people we trust most. I just try to approach these topics with fairness and kindness when they come up—because, gosh, I’d really hope others would do the same for me, and also because I think it helps create an environment where moms can be more honest and forthright about what’s happening in their families and homes without fearing the immediate judgment or alienation of other parents.
If I want people in my life with whom I can trust my family’s hardest moments, I need to be a person other people can trust with theirs. I try to keep that reminder in mind when I’m tempted to indulge in a particularly mean-spirited tea-spilling session.
It will almost certainly take some effort and a fair amount of trial and error to surround yourself with people who help you (and your children) feel seen, not judged. Our society is not set up to support families through the entire parenting process—a big problem that I can’t adequately tackle in this book.
But none of us, at any stage of parenting, are actually going through this alone…and maybe, if we keep sharing what’s happening in our own lives, we’ll be able to remember that fact.
Author Bio: As a mother of five kids ages teen to young adult, a parenting writer for twenty-five years and the cohost of The Mom Hour podcast, which has been in constant publication for ten years and downloaded over 20 million times, Meagan Francis has long been a strong advocate for women and mothers and a celebrated voice in the parenting community, with the clear messages: motherhood doesn’t have to be miserable, and it’s all gonna be okay.
Visit: http://bit.ly/thelastparentingbook
