The Neuroscience of Parenting: Interview with Dr. Jonathan Baylin by Zoe Richmond

No one said parenting is easy.  There is a multitude of parenting books trying to make the task easier.  Some book have “helpful tips”, while others suggest parenting styles.  But very rarely do you find a book that explains the inherent workings of the brain when it comes to parenting.

That’s where Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of Caregiving for Healthy Attachment comes in and expands the parenting discussion. Written by Daniel Hughes and Dr. Jonathan Baylin, it is both a cerebral look at parenting with common sense examples dealing with the hair-pulling issues that can leave a parent frazzled.

In an interview with Dr. Baylin, I dove into the inspiration for his book and the things parents should keep in mind.

Two decades ago, he began his study of neuroscience while a clinical psychologist in order to better understand human nature.

“I was never satisfied with the models of therapy that we had to work with,” said Dr. Baylin.  “I thought we needed to know more about the mind.  Neuroscience became a fast-growing field, it was natural for me to go into it in the process of searching for understanding the human mind.”

One of the results of his study was Brain-Based Parenting, which tilts towards the academic but elicits many “Aha!” moments.

Fight or Flight

One of the most eye-opening chapters of Brain-Based Parenting deals with the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex.  The limbic system is known for the fight-or-flight response.  It is, in fact, triggered during the parenting process.  Whether it be a newborn infant crying or a sullen teenager talking back, these interactions elicit a response from the limbic system.  The prefrontal cortex, known for executive function, needs to engage in order to override those innate feelings.

“The limbic system is generally involved in our emotional life,” said Dr. Baylin. “Not just self defense. It’s attachment and positive emotions, and the way we approach kids and deal with behaviors.”

The dive into the neuroscience of parenting provides a biological explanation to reactions parents may sometimes feel.

“It’s helpful to acknowledged the emotion. You are suppose to be in a loving state of mind, I wanted parents to understand emotions and reactions would sometimes feel negative and very stressful or self-protective,” he said.

Dr. Baylin and his book give parents permission to be stressed out.  Always being in a loving, caring state of mind is something no individual can sustain.  Especially, he says, when someone is being difficult or challenging us.

“We are naturally going to feel protective in the moment,” he said.  “That’s the limbic system.”

Healthy attitude, Positive relationship

The book’s suggestion for parents is to have PACE.  It stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy.

“PACE is an attitude. It is a state of mind towards yourself and towards a child. When you can be PACE, you can be in a brain state that is very open,” said Dr. Baylin.  “As a parent, that’s when you are the opposite of being defensive. We have a capacity for openness and engagement.  PACE is a state of mind that is ready to engage well with other people.”

PACE is an easy acronym to remember and to achieve.  Parents should be open to playful attitudes with their children that nurture growth and development.  Acceptance is important towards yourself, your shortcomings, your child, and situations that are beyond your control.  Curiosity is the driving force to learn and grow.  And empathy is a guiding principal towards your child, but as Dr. Baylin likes to remind parents, also towards themselves.

Blocked Care

Brain-Based Parenting also discusses blocked care.  Blocked care occurs when stress can impact a well-meaning parent’s capacity to fully engage with their child.

According to the book, “blocked care is protective of the parent, impeding self-awareness and warding off feelings of failure and rejection. Most significantly, parents in a state of blocked care are defending against the experience of shame with regard to their parental functioning.”

So when is a parent experiencing blocked care or just having a bad day?

“I think when parents start to tune in to feeling chronically stressed, struggling to have patience or overwhelmed most of the time,” said Dr Baylin.  “A parent with blocked care may say ‘This is so hard, I am starting to resent my child for being so difficult.’”

Dr. Baylin suggests that parents seek professional help when they feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to get unstuck.

“When you find yourself saying ‘I don’t want to be feeling this way towards my child,’ that is a great time to seek some help.”

Motherhood Later

In this world of neuroscience parenting, does the age of the mother make a difference?  Are mature parents more set in their ways and therefore more likely to struggle? Or does maturity mean that they are better suited to engage their pre-frontal cortex?

Dr. Baylin does believe that age makes a difference, but it could go either way.

“Teenage parents have reached maturity in terms of biology, but a young brain is unprepared,” he said.

But if an older parent is chronically stressed or has an unresolved emotional challenge it can also lead to blocked care.

“The advantage of being older, your brain is more connected, you have more capacity to keep your lid on,” said Dr. Baylin.

The most important thing Dr. Baylin promotes is “keep your lid on, keep your prefrontal cortex working.”

Moral of the story: Compassion

In writing this book, Dr. Baylin hoped to create a balance between the science of parenting and practical application.

“Part of the challenge in writing about neuroscience is that it is readable and user friendly, but not so simple that it doesn’t have some substance,” he said. “I wanted people to get the sense that parenting is rooted in brain function. It is the most demanding thing we do with our brains because it takes all of our brain power to do it well.”

Because parenting is such a mentally demanding task, he wants parents to know they need to take it easy on themselves.

“I wanted people to understand their different reactions to being a parent, positive and negative,” he said.  “Parents need to develop some compassion for themselves.  Understand all the reactions you are going to have. You need to be compassionate with yourself.”

Dr. Jonathan Baylin received his doctorate in clinical psychology from Peabody College of Vanderbilt University in 1981. He has been working in the mental health field for 35 years.  His new collaboration with Daniel Hughes, a leader in the field of attachment-focused therapy, is The Neurobiology of Attachment-Focused Therapy: Enhancing Connection & Trust in the Treatment of Children & Adolescents was released earlier this summer.