Then Comes Baby by Dr. Jessica Vernon (Book Excerpt)

Excerpted from Then Comes Baby by Dr. Jessica Vernon. Copyright © 2025 Rowman & Littlefield Publishers. Reprinted with permission from Rowman & Littlefield Publishers. New York, NY. All rights reserved.

Asking for Help

If you are like me, you were taught that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Doing it all on my own meant that I was winning at life. After nearly losing my sanity from trying to do it all, I had to retrain my mind to understand that asking for help is a sign of a very insightful person who cares about their own well-being as much as they care about the well-being of everyone around them.

Once I started asking for help, I learned how much my support system wanted to help. They wanted to be useful. Often they just didn’t know what needed to be done or couldn’t anticipate my needs. And once I started asking for help and delegating tasks, the easier it became. I am now a master delegator and enlist as many people as I can to help make sure I can function as a full human being without drowning in the to-do list of parenthood.

As a new parent, it is so important to learn to ask for help and let others know your boundaries. I hear from new moms who are exhausted and frustrated from doing everything themselves. They expect their support system to instinctively know what needs to be done when often tasks need to be delegated.

I give actionable advice for loved ones so they can step up and be of better service to the birth parent (physically and mentally) during this time; however, of equal importance, I teach birth parents how to ask for help. I help my patients create lists of tasks that can be taken off their plate, learn to share nighttime duties, and also tell their loved ones what is not helpful. Additionally, some people in your circle, whether family, friends, or colleagues, may impose upon you and invite themselves over. New birth parents sometimes feel so guilty telling their in-laws or close friends that they cannot come over or setting limits on visiting hours and touching or holding the baby. Guilt should not dictate your boundaries during the postpartum period. This is the time to empower yourself to say what you need. Stressing yourself out so that others get what they want from you and your baby is not okay.

Setting Boundaries

The next most important thing I learned how to do was to say no to requests when it was not something that I wanted or needed to do. I set boundaries. I protected my time. I previously had been a people pleaser and often said yes without thinking, wanting to make everyone else happy and getting a lot of validation about being the person who colleagues and friends turned to. This involved everything from getting dinner with friends to joining a committee at work. And just like asking for help, I learned that the more I said no, the more boundaries I set, the easier it became. I did not become worthless in my professional life or lose friends in my personal life by saying no. I actually became better at everything I did because I wasn’t extended beyond my bandwidth and annoyed that I was doing something I really didn’t want to do. It’s true—you may disappoint people at times—but it is also important that you don’t disappoint yourself.

Take inventory of what really matters to you, what you really want to do, and when you feel tempted to do something because you “should.” If guilt or shame creep in when you want to find a way to avoid saying yes, then pause to see where those feelings are coming from. Often you will find it is fear of rejection or of feeling less valuable to others. However, our value is not tied to how much we overextend ourselves to please others.

Dr. Jessica Vernon, MD, PMH-C, is a Board-Certified OB/GYN who has cared for and supported thousands in their reproductive journeys over the past 15 years. She is the associate medical director and director of mental health at Oula, a midwifery based women’s health startup in New York City. A a mom of two, she has a deep passion for providing holistic care and has developed programs to increase access to perinatal mental health care and improve health equity. She has received professional recognition and has been quoted in the media for her work and expertise in the field as well as her openness in sharing her own story. She serves on the board of directors for Postpartum Support International. Then Comes Baby is her first book. Visit drjessicavernon.com and follow on Instagram (@dr.jessicavernon).