TOO TIRED TO FIGHT by Erin and Stephen Mitchell – Book Excerpt

What Kind Of Couple Relationship Do We Want To Have?

Imagine a situation where you find yourself pushed to the breaking point. Maybe it’s first thing in the morning. You were up with your child several times during the night. Now you’re exhausted, getting breakfast ready for everyone, when your partner comes into the room and casually says on the way out the door, “Hey, I think I forgot to tell you, but I have a work trip the last two days of this week.”

Can you feel your body tense just imagining this scenario? You feel your insides turn, your blood boil, and a deep feeling of loneliness washes over you. Over the course of your parenting journey, you’ve felt more and more disconnected from your partner, and this is just one example of many in which you feel unseen and unknown by them.

How did you get here? You set out to be a harmonious family— happy, unified, and strong. You want your kids to learn what a healthy relationship looks like by observing the two of you together. You don’t want to argue! Yet as time passes, you find more than anything that you are just trying to make it to bedtime without irritating the other too much.

Now imagine that instead of absorbing this surprising news into your body and getting hot with rage at your partner—instead of erupting in anger—you choose a different path. You use this difficult, challenging, and yes, irritating moment to instead find connection. You work through this difficult situation together—and in so doing, model conflict that leads to connection for your kids. Seems impossible, right? It doesn’t have to be.

We are Erin and Stephen Mitchell—partners in life as well as in our business, Couples Counseling for Parents. Parenting changes even a strong relationship in all sorts of ways, and even couples who are on solid ground before the kids arrive can feel absolutely rocked and unsteady afterward. This isn’t easy, but it is normal.

We have talked with thousands of couples over the years, and all of them have experienced this disconnected feeling at one point or another. When they share their hopes and dreams for their family with us, we hear over and over some variation of these two statements: we know our couple relationship is the foundation of a healthy family, and it’s harder than ever to make each other laugh and enjoy each other’s company now that we’re dealing with the day-to-day drudgery of parenting.

You are not alone! Parenting can be messy and unpredictable. It can also bring you closer together as a couple . . . if you let it. What these couples are really saying to us is: “In the midst of all this stress, we are struggling to remember we like each other. Can you help us?”

We have three kids of our own. We know these struggles first- hand. We know the amazing upsides of parenting: the quiet moments of sitting down together and reveling in the beauty and wonder of the children we are raising. We also know what it’s like to lose our patience with our kids—and with each other! We know what it’s like to look at each other and say, “Really?! You’re tired? Well, let me tell you about my night . . .” We know what it is like to feel like the person you want more than anyone in the world to understand and empathize with what you’re going through for some reason just doesn’t. But thankfully, we also know what it is like to regroup as a family and a couple after these moments and talk about what it means to repair.

Take a moment and reflect on the following:

■ What do I want for my family?

■ What kind of relationship do I want to model for my kids?

■ What kind of relationship do I want to have along the bumpy, beautiful road of parenting?

■ When my kids are grown and out of our home, what kind of relationship do I want to have with my partner?

If you’re like us, you want to show your kids how to support and love one another on the good, bad, and truly awful days. You want to show them their parents can have a conflict with each other, but that the partnership can still remain strong even amid disagreement. And you want to remain close with your partner even in the midst of those chaotic parenting moments, knowing the two of you are ultimately on the same team.

This is why we wrote Too Tired to Fight: to help parenting partners transform these messy moments of conflict into experiences of healthy resolution and repair, and to give couples the skills to turn conflict into connection.

Excerpted from Too Tired to Fight: 13 Essential Conflicts Parents Must Have to Keep Their Relationship Strong

PUTNAM (EST. 1838) G.P. Putnam’s Sons, Publishers Since 1838

An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC penguinrandomhouse.com

Copyright © 2024 by Erin and Stephen Mitchell

ABOUT THE AUTHORS: Erin and Stephen Mitchell are the cofounders of Couples Counseling for Parents, a company focused on providing access to research-informed, psychologically sound online education for couples who are navigating staying connected while parenting. Both have a clinical education—Stephen, a PhD in medical family therapy, and Erin, a master’s degree in counseling psychology—and they have a combined 23 years of experience providing counseling and education. They have been married for 16 years and have three kids. Their book, “Too Tired to Fight”, is available internationally at major booksellers. Visit: https://couplescounselingforparents.com/.