Guest Blog Post: OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES by Dr. Ilene Val-Essen
Did you ever see a geology display in a museum? You know the kind: you look at a seemingly ordinary, uninteresting rock, gray and drab. Then you shine an ultraviolet light on it. Suddenly, the rock transforms and glows with brilliant colors. Like these rocks, a child’s ordinary comment often reveals extraordinary insight, a depth of understanding that we might easily miss.
This blog, sharing parenting experiences, shines an ultraviolet light on a few of the unusual, confusing, and often challenging ways that our children express their “knowing.”
Physical Symptoms
Bodily complaints—such as stomachaches or headaches—may be the physical manifestation of a psychological concern. If we remain alert to this possibility, a child’s ailment may serve as a surface cue guiding us toward further exploration.
The doctor found no reason for my son’s recent stomachaches. I was especially worried because he rarely gets sick or complains. After a miserable week, I noticed one Saturday that Jeremy had returned to his animated self. Suddenly I thought: there’s no school today. Then I commented, “Jeremy, I’m so happy you’re feeling better, but I’m curious, do you think your tummy aches have anything to do with school?” Tears rolled down his eyes when he explained, “My teacher embarrasses me in front of my friends. In a mean voice she says, ‘Won’t you ever learn to raise your hand before speaking?’”
After a parent-teacher conference, during which the air was cleared, the complaints about stomachaches disappeared.
Simple, Unexpected Solutions
A surprising, seemingly trivial solution may be the perfect one.
My son cried each day when I left him at nursery school. It was awful for him and for me. I tried my best to come up with clever solutions—to no avail. After explaining that I wanted us both to feel good, I asked if he had any ideas he thought would work. To my amazement he said enthusiastically, “Kiss my friends Minnie Mouse, Mickey Mouse, and Donald Duck, then kiss me. Then you can go to work and I won’t cry.” He meant it; the crying ended and never returned.
Fantasy
Make-believe, magic, and the imagination serve as the gateway into the child’s world of wisdom. It can be a gold mine!
My wife and I had just bought a home with a swimming pool, even though we knew 5-year-old Amos was petrified of the water. One hot summer day when Amos and I were discussing how to help him overcome his fear of the pool, he proclaimed boldly, “I could find an answer if I had a magical brain machine.” I encouraged him, “That sounds intriguing. Would you like to make one? I’d be happy to help.” Following his lead, we found simple props from our house—Q-tips, a ski hat, and a silver dollar—and completed our task quickly. Amos placed the brain machine on his head and within seconds he announced, “I’m okay now; I know what I need to be safe. I’ll just tell myself, ‘Even my guppies can swim.’” To my great surprise, that did the trick.
Symbols
Favorite animals, dolls, toys, trinkets, heroes, and authors often act powerfully to fulfill important needs. If we pay attention to these codes, we can better understand our children.
When my teenage son, Brian, was going through chemotherapy and radiation, friends and relatives asked him if there was anything he wanted. He made only one request: “Please buy me a giraffe.” After I counted fifty giraffes of all shapes and sizes, I couldn’t contain myself and asked in bemusement, “Why do you ask for more when you already have so many?” He answered candidly, “Only giraffes truly understand me—and they give me strength. I need all I can get.”
Repetition
Repetition may be verbal in the form of questions and discussions, or nonverbal modeled in a child’s actions. We generally experience repetitive behavior as annoying or interpret it as manipulative, especially when we believe we have dealt with it adequately. But repetition may indicate the presence of unmet needs; the intensity and persistence of this behavior often reflect the depth of feelings associated with it.
My husband passed away several years ago and my 8-year-old daughter had been asking me repeatedly, “Do you miss Daddy?” Patiently I’d answer her, “Yes, I miss him very much and think about him every day.” A week or two would pass and Amy would ask the question again. At some point, I realized my answer didn’t satisfy her and I doubted it ever would. This time I went a step further, “Amy, every time you ask me if I miss Daddy, I tell you I miss him very much, but my response doesn’t seem to be enough. I’m curious, how come?” Only then did Amy reveal what was truly on her mind. “I want you to remarry, Mom. I want a new dad.” Once she confessed her longing, she never repeated the question again.
Are light bulbs going off in your head? Are you aware of missed opportunities with your children? Most parents are. That of course doesn’t feel good, but it’s inevitable. We want so much to be the best parents we can be. Appreciate your aliveness, your curiosity, pleased that you are in an ongoing process of learning. It’s never too late to gain awareness and tune into your children as they, and you, continue to grow.
Dr. Ilene Val-Essen’s new release, Parenting with Wisdom and Compassion, is available on Amazon: http://amzn.to/1R6MxlP. She is also the author of the award-winning book Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Your Self and the creator of the Quality Parenting programs. Val-Essen practices as a Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA.
Tags: having a family, having children, ilene val-essen, motherhood, parenting with compassion and wisdom, raising a family later in life
