GUEST BLOG POST: Dare to Raise Yourself First by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author, The Awakened Family

(Photo credit: Lily Rose)

When we buy into the myth that parenting is about the child, we readily take credit for our wonderful parenting when our children match up to our expectations, whereas we just as readily place blame on them when they don’t meet our expectations.

To parent consciously is to turn this approach on its head. The focus shifts to the parent as the one who needs to be “raised.” In other words, we put ourself under scrutiny, not our children. This is because, as we saw earlier, most of us have been raised with a high degree of unconsciousness, which has resulted in emotional damage to our psyche. It is also because the one person we do have control over and can influence is ourselves. Parenting is often most effective when we concentrate on ourselves rather than our children. This is where the best results come from.

Plagued with their own issues and complexes around parenting, our own parents were misattuned to who we were as children. I regularly hear my adult clients describe their childhood by saying, “My mother just didn’t see me for who I was,” or “My father was constantly upset with me because I didn’t turn out to be what he imagined.” To be raised with a template of invalidation inevitably shapes the way we view the world. The inner lack we live with colors every experience. Despite being late into their thirties or forties, these clients still carry the memory of feeling rejected and invalidated, and consequently bring this insecurity into their present relationships.

Not being seen for who we are creates a hunger for validation, approval, and belonging. This inner void throbs with pain. When the pain we are in goes unattended, and perhaps even unnoticed, it grows. Pain begets more pain. Unconsciousness begets more unconsciousness. The pain is like wearing a second skin—so much so that we don’t even realize it has become who we are. We just think, “This is what it means to be human.”

It’s important to be clear that the hurt we have experienced never goes away unless we address it directly by bringing it into our awareness. Only when we awaken to the fact that we are recreating childhood patterns can we begin to address the source of our present unhappiness.

This is where having a child comes in. As adults, and now parents ourselves, we find ourselves unexpectedly triggered by an experience with our own child. What’s happening is that pain from our past is being reactivated. What we buried a long time ago because we didn’t know how to deal with it now rises to the surface with all the furor of a starved animal that refuses to be in deprivation any longer. It’s this residual pain that causes us to react in inappropriate ways, often without realizing we are doing so.

The most potent triggering we experience occurs in our closest relationships, especially those with our children. Conscious parenting stresses how our children act as a mirror for what we can’t see about ourselves. They bring to the surface the pain we haven’t processed but that’s now causing us to react so strongly, and often irrationally, to their behavior. Unless we take seriously what they are showing us  about how hurt we have been—and how we have never really faced up to this hurt—we will raise them to exhibit the same immature behavior that reflects our unresolved pain. This is the essence of the profound journey of parenting.

From THE AWAKENED FAMILY: A Revolution in Parenting by Shefali Tsabary, published on May 31, 2016 by Viking, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright by Shefali Tsabary, 2016.

Buy THE AWAKENED FAMILY at http://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/537466/the-awakened-family-by-shefali-tsabary-phd/

About Dr. Shefali:

Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. Specializing in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, Dr. Shefali brings together the best of both worlds for her clients. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development and runs a private practice in New York City. Dr. Shefali has written three books, including the award winning New York Times bestselling book The Conscious Parent. Dr. Shefali is also a keynote speaker who has presented at TEDx, Kellogg Business School, the Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education, and other conferences and workshops around the world. She’s been featured on Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul Sunday and Oprah’s Lifeclass. Learn more at http://www.drshefali.com/.

Tags: dr. shefali tsabary, fatherhood, having kids, motherhood, oprah, parenting, raising a family, tedx, The Awakened Family, the awakened parent